TIME ZONES, BEER, & LEFT HANDED CHOPSTICKS

Wipe Out

In Kuala Lumpur, I went out for lunch and then I decided that I would do some souvenir shopping before my flight later that evening.  I had been out for about an hour and I picked up two music boxes for a girlfriend.  I also needed to find some scarves for one of my neighbors.  She had asked me specifically for a special type of scarf that she wanted me to bring back for her collection.

After finally finding and purchasing the scarves, my body informs me that I needed to make a trip to the restroom pretty darn quick.  Normally when I travel, the last thing that I want to do is use a public toilet instead of the one at the hotel.  Unfortunately I was not afforded this luxury for this occasion. So now it’s off to find the public restroom.  Finally after about 10 minutes of panic, I find one.  Not to get into specific details but I think that this was the worst smelling and dirtiest restroom I have ever visited (this includes some Frat House restrooms I’ve used).

While in the stall thinking there couldn’t be anything worse, I soon discover there is a new and unexpected obstacle that I must now deal with.  One valuable piece of information that would have been extremely nice for me to know was that public restrooms in Kuala Lumpur do not provide toilet paper or any kind of tissue paper.  I am now thinking that this could leave a “real mess on my hands”.

Wanting to maintain my dignity, yelling for help was quickly eliminated from my list of options.  After a couple minutes of thinking, I finally reached a decision--and my neighbor liked her music box.

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Nothing but Class

When you book a flight, you are given various options of how you can travel.  It may also be referred to as your desired comfort level.  These levels are known as First Class, Business Class, or Economy.  No phrase could be more truthful than the phrase, “You get what you pay for”.  If you pay the extra money, you are taken care of very well.  Whereas, if you opt for the lesser fare, you arrive at the same time as the more expensive seats, but you feel like it took twice as long for you to get there.

For those of you who have not had the opportunity to make the decision as to which class to choose, let me provide you with these simple guidelines:

First Class is like going through life and only having to eat desserts.  Or, it is like being allowed to go through the “10 items or less” lane with two shopping carts full of groceries.  First Class is located just outside of the gates of heaven.

Business Class is usually nothing but a continuous happy hour.  It can almost be compared to major social event.  Not only must you have a laptop computer to get in, but you must also take it out at least once and pretend to use it.  To sit in Business Class, you must be emotionally stable.  In Business Class you are not judged by your job, income, or even the amount of frequent flyer miles that you have earned during the year.  The fact is, your status is determined by the size of your monitor.  You may feel inadequate if you look over and see that the guy next to you has a bigger one in his lap than you do.  This could lead to a condition known as PC Envy.

Economy Class is best described like being stuck in a phone booth with six people in downtown Detroit during winter.  During long flights, Economy Class has the comfort of a “Mosh Pit” at a Heavy Metal concert.  I have not been able to prove this yet but I think clocks actually run slower when you are seated in Economy Class.

In First and Business Class, you get very good foodservice. You get to choose from items on a menu and the food comes on real china.  In Economy Class, they hand you a box, which contains tree bark, an apple, a granola bar, and a breath mint.