Who Am I? How Did I Get This Way?

While some readers may discover that they make major changes in their lives simply by reading this book, it is not intended as a workbook leading to freedom from the teachings of childhood. Rather it is to help the reader become more aware of truly basic causes. These basic causes determine the patterns we encounter in our lives.

It is designed to give the reader information and insight as to what may have happened to them while they were growing up. How they have been defining themselves and a general guideline to re-define themselves.

This book may seem like an attack on parents – it is not. It is based on the way we perceive and remember our parents while we are growing up and developing. As you will read in more detail in Chapter 2, we store away reference memories and it is these memories that are consciously and unconsciously used to "prove" our core beliefs. Core beliefs are strongly held opinions that function much like a line of code in a computer. The computer will always function according to that line of code. When the line of code is modified, then the computer will always operate the new way.

This material may be quite disturbing as you read certain passages. If so, make a note as to where in the book you became upset and then go to the end of any chapter entitled "Handling Uncomfortable Feelings." This will give you some guidance on handling what you are feeling. "Uncomfortable Feelings guidance is given at the end of each Chapter from Chapter One through Chapter Five. Some individuals may find that it is quite easy for them to understand what the book is saying, until they get to a certain chapter. Trying to read that chapter results in difficulty concentrating or the material seems confusing or they get bored, etc. Most commonly, this indicates a very basic problem area of limiting core beliefs for that individual.

When you have completed the book, any paragraphs or sections you have noted, will give you additional insight as to what is limiting you.

The authors have often joked about the need for each child to be born with a "how to" book about raising children. Actually, such a book should be distributed before the mother-to-be becomes pregnant and the fathers "are in waiting."

Few of us are aware as to how important the mother’s attitudes and emotions are to the child’s development while in the womb and how the father can affect the unborn child through the mother. Yet far reaching consequences can have their origin here rather than being "genetic."

Basic parental behavior in manipulating and controlling the child as s/he develops may result in great good or great harm. Growing up with a parent who manipulates the child using double binds has been suggested as a cause of schizophrenia. It certainly is a strong contributor to "neurotic" thinking and behavior.

Fortunately, raising a child by showing the child physical and emotional love, encouraging the child to be all s/he chooses to be, is a powerful force enabling the child to grow up healthy and happy and being all that s/he can be -- activating his/her potential --- expressing his/her entelechy¹.

Unfortunately the parents referred to in this book, as perceived and remembered by the child, seem to be unaware, uncaring or so focused on themselves that the child may feel like nothing more than an object. It is often a case of "victims raising victims raising victims." The parents themselves often regretting their childhood and the way they were raised.

"Since the 1950’s, we’ve seen about a 300% increase in suicide among 15 to 19 year olds. There is about a 90% fatality rate if an adolescent tries to commit suicide with a firearm. If they take an overdose, there’s a good chance we can save them."²

"A 1995 National Youth Risk Behavior Survey showed that nearly a quarter of students in grades 7 through 12 had seriously considered suicide within the last 12 months of the survey. Nine percent actually attempted suicide and 18% said they had made a specific plan."³

Note also the spate of children who killed or planned to kill schoolmates, teachers and others that have come to light just since 1999.

If you were raised in circumstances similar to what is described in this book, you will immediately understand the true source of such desperation in our children.

The names, initials and other identification of actual patients are of course, fictitious. Too, some case histories are combinations of more than one individual in order to further disguise their identity.

A word about working from core beliefs rather than by diagnosis. A diagnosis is a label given to a set of symptoms. The diagnostic label is used as a kind of short hand so that whenever it is used, the speaker and the listener knows that it refers to a specific constellation of symptoms. For many therapists, an automatic decision is made about: Is it treatable? What other symptoms should we look for? What are the complications?

What is the accepted treatment? What can I predict is the possible outcomes?" While on the surface this seems quite acceptable, it also is quite limiting.

When both the individual and the therapist know what the individual truly believes, they are both empowered to move into a true correction. Change or eliminate the core belief causing the undesirable aspects in your life and your life changes accordingly. These changes usually come about simply, easily, seamlessly and automatically.

A core belief is the actual belief structure that is causing the desirable or undesirable effects in the person’s life and body. It is an exact statement of what the individual actually believes as compared to what s/he thinks s/he believes.

Life limiting core beliefs are often so simplistic that when one pops into mind, the individual can not believe such ridiculous reasoning has caused s/he life long problems. An example of this is: "Anxiety enables me to feel alive."

Even assuming that a particular diagnosis is correct ( one third are said to be wrong), its application causes both therapist and patient to immediately react accordingly. Often times, after being given a diagnosis, the individual will look it up in an attempt to find out what other symptoms s/he will have and what to expect. While it may seem empowering at first glance, in many instances it is quite limiting. It maybe quite limiting because for that particular individual all the aspects are simply not true for them, there may only one or two. Too, the individual may unconsciously add symptoms s/he did not previously have until s/he read what symptoms were to be expected.

If the mental health practitioner is a psychiatrist, a diagnosis of depression leads the psychiatrist to decide whether it is with anxiety or without anxiety, etc. At that point s/he then chooses a medication accordingly. If the medication causes side effects or doesn’t work the psychiatrist must go on to something else. Usually some other medication.