The Gay Book of Saints

January 20^th: St. Sebastian: 3^rd Century

Many people have often wondered why St. Sebastian has always had a special attraction, for gay men in particular. It's the pictures, stupid! I mean, where did you think Calvin Klein got his ideas for all those underwear ads, Divine Inspiration?

Here's this gorgeous hunk in a loincloth, the ends dangling salaciously from his (and the artist's and your) main focal point, with strategically placed arrows to emphasize areas of particular interest (Art Appreciation 101).

Our dear boy Sebastian stands erect, shoulders back, chest out or nonchalantly tilted at just the right angle to imply what is obvious in his glassy-eyed stare. This guy is cruising! No wonder the French call sex "le petite morte". These holy pictures are drop-dead porn!

Well, what about the historical facts concerning St. Sebastian's life, you might ask?

Look 'em up yourself, Honey, I'm only here for the visuals.

Patron of Men in (and out of) uniform, i.e. athletes and soldiers and firemen and policemen etc.
Symbol in Art: a figure out of Michelangelo's closet
Motto: Stick It To Me One More Time
Show Tune: Hit Me With Your Best Shot by Pat Benatar
Earthly Birthday: Lorenzo Lamas

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Fabulous!

To tell you the truth, I find this subject distasteful. It is not in my nature, and certainly not in my breeding, if you understand my bent.

I'm referring to bosoms. You know, tits. Jugs. HOOTERS. Carrying her paps around on a plate. Really. I mean, I certainly hope that after all these centuries of schlepping her . . . her severed breasts (For God's Sake) on a serving platter like Salome with John the Baptist's head, she'd at least be allowed to wear a veil . . . over her face, you ninnies. Geez

I just can't believe that Agatha walks around heaven all day, unashamedly balancing those two mounds of mammaries, jiggling like jello, while she stares brazenly into everyone's eyes, daring anyone . . . to say . . . just . . . one . . . word.

I'm sorry. Sometimes I get carried away. Let me explain all this.

St. Agatha was a holy virgin and martyr from Sicily, amongst whose tortures in a long and legendary list include having had her breasts cut off. Out of decency and discretion, size is never mentioned in any of the sources, yet it can be assumed from the fact that traditionally St. Agatha is a patron saint invoked against earthquakes, that they were of a considerable volume to cause seismic fluctuations.

Patron of Falsies
Symbol in Art: a female figure holding a plate on which are two full breasts (I.K.Y.N.)
Motto: You find this tit-titillating?
Show Tune: Bosom Buddies from Mame and Tits and Ass from A Chorus Line
Earthly Birthday: William S. Burroughs