Try Marriage Before Divorce

Recently I sat in a church and watched a young bride and groom pledge their love. Theirs was a beautiful occasion...a handsome groom, a lovely bride, and hundreds of well-wishers gathered to witness their vows and celebrate their happiness. But would it last? In the United States, nearly one in two happy young couples will be legally separating or divorcing in less than ten years.

For most the key to their dissatisfaction will be not in the failure of their sincerity but in the existence of a way to escape when things get tough. Divorce is like the hatch on a submarine. When you go underwater, you must use it to escape or close it for survival! The couple who leaves the hatch slightly ajar discovers that they drown.

I am convinced that the majority of couples cannot be emotionally committed to each other because they have yet to settle the divorce issue. Few married people have not experienced the question of what being divorced is like. Some envy single people.

"If I weren’t married, I’d--" is the beginning sentence of the temptation. Not all such thoughts end in divorce. Many, however, as soon as they are divorced, forget what they would have done and begin to seek to be married again.

"If it weren’t for you--" is a favorite marital game played by unconvinced partners. They say the unhappiness in their marital system is too great to stand, but remain married. The pain isn’t quite enough to cause the system to rupture, but the rewards are discounted.

Marriage demands a commitment unparalleled in other institutions. When you join a church, you can leave its membership. When you enter school, you can fail or be graduated. When you marry, for most folks, it’s for life or "until death do us part."

One couple writing their vows changed that line to read, "As long as God gives us the strength to love each other." The bride teasingly said, "If we don’t make it, that way it will be God’s fault, not ours!" Unfortunately, we cannot evade our responsibility that glibly.

Marriages that are like traps only breed discontent. A relationship between two spying partners breeds suspicion and distrust. Each assumes the other has his own best interest in mind and automatically has become the enemy. The controlling marriage is a fast-paced road to divorce. When one partner decides no longer to struggle for the control, the jig is up.

The competitive marriage often breeds indifference toward the other. Couples who strive together toward a goal are drawn closer. Couples who compete against each other for achievement needlessly destroy their intimacy. Competition is a distancing factor. The respect one has for an opponent is distinctively different from the desirable respect of people married to each other.

The complimentary marriage fulfills the basic needs for companionship in two lives. Differences are accepted and respected. Neither partner demands change from the other. Both may willingly offer changes as a further strength to their complimentary balance. Each partner’s distinction can be appreciated as bringing variety to the relationship. Since divorce is basically a statement of irreconcilable difference, the truly complementary relationship is at the opposite pole of human experience.

Trying in marriage begins with that sense of commitment which says, "I do not have to live with you, but I choose to happily." That declaration of intent, undergirded by a disciplined course of seeking mutual supportiveness, brings full joy to a couple. The escape hatch from marriage has been locked down. While it may need to be checked regularly, it will not be opened in the trials under the sea of life’s pressure. Its secure fasteners represent the continuing commitment of the couple to see marital pleasure with each other.

Often it is the subtle pleasure to please others rather than our partner that tempts us to use the escape hatch called divorce. But that’s my next chapter; read on.

Chapter Two: Your Marriage, Not Theirs!

Good marriages can end in divorce. As surprising as that may sound, many bad marriages last while good ones fail.

Charles and Violet had been married thirty-two years when I first saw them. Divorce seemed imminent. They rarely communicated verbally. He felt put down and regularly pouted about it. She felt shut out and was angry at him most of the time. Their system of behavior justified each other’s reactions. They had had little sexual contact in the last sixteen years. "You know whose fault that is," Violet said. Charles retorted, "I certainly do!" I surprised them by saying I couldn’t decide.

This "bad" marriage has lasted well over thirty years, and my guess is that some newspaper will have the couple’s picture in it when they celebrate their fiftieth anniversary! I call it a bad marriage; they experience it as an unsatisfactory relationship, but neither of them has the courage to live alone. They need each other but cannot openly acknowledge that they do. Their marriage is characterized by regular fights, occasionally physical ones, and they rarely speak to each other, even in public gatherings, such as their regular attendance at a couples’ church school class.

A marriage can be nothing more than a legal contract that binds two adults to each other. These two felt bound by the legality and morality they had been taught. But that was not the negative part of their relationship; the central destructive elements were characterized by the absence of courageous confrontation and open negotiation. Each of them invested more energy in maintaining distance than in building toward intimacy. Though legally, physically, and socially they had become partners, the emotional battle lines were clearly drawn. At the basic interactional level they were enemies. Each respected the strength of the other; neither dared risk vulnerability in the relationship.

Charles said, "It’s like living with a rattlesnake. If you don’t disturb it, you are safe. If it moves, you maintain your distance. All you trust is your ability to get away." He was able to escape in the newspaper, the television, or a book. Yet he rarely felt relaxed because he had to be aware of where Violet was at all times.

Violet voiced her frustration, but never put it into action. "Why does he stay with me if he won’t talk or react in any way?" She felt rejected and alone. But she had enough of life’s comforts to remain with him.

Theirs was a standoff; no winners but no apparent losers. After a few sessions together, I asked if either of them could offer a step toward compromise. Neither of them was willing to take this first step in negotiating a change. Counseling sessions served only as a face-saving device, so I terminated with them. They have tried three other therapists since I saw them, but the results have been the same.

Charles and Violet clearly illustrate that marriages are maintained from within. The powers of society, parents, therapy, or clergy cannot penetrate a marital system...even a destructive one---where the partners do not choose change.