Dancing With Devils

"You must be perfect. You must have the cleanest wash, the greenest lawn, and straight, white teeth. You must be the successor to Mary Tyler Moore. But this is not possible for you, A.J. You cannot revisit the prom. Nevermore. Nevermore. Your pumpkin has been smashed in your face. You must ear your shattered casing. A.J. is a perfect mess."

I remain a victim of my delusions for what seems like a very long time. One of the female technicians enters my room to do patent check and she doesn’t see me. She opens the bathroom door, and switches on the light.

I scream, "Turn out the damn light! I can’t stand my own windows. I don’t’ want to be seen!"

She tugs at the shower curtain clenched in my hands. "What’s the matter with you, A.J.? You can’t sit in the bathtub all night. Come out now."

"No, I need a place to stay."

"Well, we’ll find you someplace to stay then. A nice comfortable place."

Then she leaves the room, and I am under the impression that she is referring to the seclusion room. I am told that this is not the state hospital, and the seclusion room is actually a quiet room, but I’ve been around the block enough times to know that it all amounts to solitary confinement.

*******************

I don’t think that these people understand me. I am off the wagon, subjected to their rules, and I fear that I am losing control.

A half-hour later, a male nurse return with the technician. They come back into the dark bathroom, and once again turn the light back on.

"A.J." the nurse says, "I’m one of the staff, and I want to talk to you."

"What the hell is wrong with you people? Can’t you see that I’m terrified? Put the lights out, and leave me alone!"

"A.J., you need some medicine. Some medicine will help you now."

"No. I don’t deserve any help. I’m not a good person."

"Sure you are. You’re a good person."

"No, you don’t know that. I abandoned my cats. I wronged them."

"You have to get well before you can take care of your cats. Besides, cats are very resilient. They can take care of themselves."

"No, they can’t. They can’t get their own food, or clean out the litter box. They need me."

"A.J., will you please take this medicine?"

"What kind of medicine is it?"

"Your Lithium. I’m going to give you your Lithium now."

"I’m not eating or taking any meds until my cats get help."

"Please, A.J."

"No. Go away. I just want to be safe."

"Who do you want to be safe from?"

"Myself!" I exclaim. "My God, I’m just trying to be safe from myself!"