A Father's Love
by
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When I arrived at Eric’s house, one of Eric’s friends who was already on the scene, blurted out, "You can’t go to Eric’s house. He is dead and the police are there." What a stunning blow. My heart was stung with a searing pain such as I had never experienced. I gasped for breath and cried out to my God, "No, Lord don’t let it be so." I tried to go to Eric’s house. I said that this was my son and no one could stop me, but they refused my request. Instead, they took to Otis and Pam Marcus’ house next door, where I faced Terri, Eric’s wife. With her pain and tear-filled face, she looked at me and told me that my son was gone. She loved him so much and they were so completely dedicated to each other. And now, this? We clung to each other and wept bitterly. The horror and shock of that moment is indescribable. Forty-nine months later as I reread these words, the memory of that moment was still almost too much to bear. * * * * My dear Katie and our daughter, Theresa, arrived before Father Collins and I returned to the Marcus’ house. How awesomely painful it was to look into their eyes. Katie and I always shared the joys, the pains and the challenges that come with the process of raising our children. Now, together, we acknowledged that one of our most precious gifts from God had been taken away from us. My Theresa, Eric’s older sister, who loved him so much and who accepted him so completely - what pain filled my heart just at the sight of her. "How could this be, Lord?" No answer came, just more anguish. I waited outside in that cold wind-driven November night for Gina and John to arrive. When we saw each other, we shrieked in our pain. There was nothing but this great cloud of truth hanging over us, and there was no escaping it. Gina and I loved him so much, and now, we could only cling to each other. Kevin arrived several hours later, knowing that he had lost his best and most trusted friend, but all of his emotions bottled up inside of him. He wanted a full account of all of the details, which I gave him. The brother with whom he shared the most intimate parts of his life was gone forever. What can a father say? As I took each member of my family into my arms to tell them that our dear Eric was no longer with us, the gaping hole grew even larger. I could not comprehend the enormity of the situation. The pain was so intense, yet the reality of Eric’s death could not be absorbed. I was struck to the very core. Yet, there was family to care for. Katie? She must have known the same pain that I tried to cope with. Our children? I felt compelled to help them through this crisis in life that struck like a thief in the night. They had never experienced a death that was so close or personal. They needed me to help them understand and cope with their tragic loss. Their loss and suffering was different than mine, but it was also absolutely overwhelming for each of them. * * * * I was meditating at Morning Prayer. I was searching for the truth and for a certainty in my mind about the true status of Eric’s soul. I was also struggling with Eric’s presence in my mind and my heart, fearful of the sense of his slipping away from me. I was not aware of it, but I was experiencing the slow process of healing, while at the same time, I was also feeling that Eric was moving farther and farther away from me. The thought of his leaving me was too much for me to cope with. Then a voice, with such clarity, spoke to my soul. It said: "He was never yours, he was always mine. Let him go." In an instant, a great insight came to me. As a parent, I had held on to my son as if he were my own possession, my own creation. But the truth is that he was created by God, to serve God, just as I was. I needed to relinquish my earthly possession of him. I doubt that I could have held Eric here, but there could be no peace within me if I attempted to keep my grip on him. The Father in heaven also needed to do as He willed - to take Eric where God created him to be - with Him forever. This bit of wisdom was so revealing to me - so awesome, yet so profound. Of course I loved him as a son, but I must accept the reality that he was only on loan to me during his earthly lives. The fact that he went back to God before I did was just another of my misconceptions of how life was supposed to be. God always had a plan for Eric’s life and for mine, and now it was His plan that was being played out, not mine. "Let him go!"
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About the Book
A Father’s Love
In his search for answers and solace, the father turned to God seeking mercy and peace in this most crushing time. Through "Journaling" prayer, he sought answers from God about why He would do such a thing before Eric had developed a relationship with his God. The answers in his journalings form the basis of a new and enlightened outlook on life. There is life after life, and God is a God of Mercy. The father relates the many signs and ways that God has shown him that Eric’s life was not in vain; and that Eric lives. The signs and wonders are so profound that there is no doubt about the message.
The book has a message for those who grieve over their fallen children. Their pain is so very deep and so intense that no one can comprehend that pain unless they have walked a similar walk. The book attempts to guide them on a path to wholeness again. It also speaks in an enlightened way to friends of those who grieve.
The book weaves together the family, which includes Eric’s wife, their two young daughters, his Mom, his brother, and his two sisters. But above all, it is a love story about a son and his father. Through it all, the father gains a new perspective about the relationship between God, the Father and His Son, Jesus. It is an interesting blend of the human and the spiritual.
A publishing agent said, "This book is a grabber."
About the Author
Gerald L. John, or Jerry as he prefers to be called, is from a family of nine children reared in Central Minnesota. Jerry is 68 years old, married, the father of four children, and the grandfather of five. Jerry holds a Bachelors Degree in Business Administration from the University of Minnesota. He had a career in Government as a senior procurement official, and then was an executive in business. His second career was home construction as a full partner with his son Eric, whom he lost to death. His avocation has been in the field of service to others. Jerry was active in the Catholic Newman Movement in college. He continued to lead and challenge others to greater service throughout his life. After a conversion with God, Jerry’s attention shifted to the spiritual realm. He remains active in the Charismatic and Cursillo movements in the Catholic Church. It is from this base that this book draws its prospective and insight. Because of his undaunted faith in God, Jerry has shown how he has surmounted one of the greatest pains life can deliver – the death of a child, and how he has returned to peace in life again.