A Return to you-"Getting the Strength You Need - Now"

My then husband, Mikael decided it was time for he and I to become parents. So, I agreed and we set off on the road to parenthood. Well, we may have packed our bags, but the ship never arrived. For a year or more we made a valiant effort to render me plump. When ever and where ever possible. All to no avail. In thirteen years of marriage, it never occurred to us that our union would not produce children. At least, not until the infertility specialist told us there was a problem. To me it sounded like 'Houston, we have a problem!'

Being the beautiful, impatient man he is, he decided he could not wait. Apparently, his biological clock was not just ticking. It was about to explode. He wanted. No, needed a child post haste!

We had successful businesses. We had just sold our old home, and closed escrow on the new one. Then one morning he said, that he wanted a divorce. So much for happily ever after. The morning the moving van arrived to our old home. He then informed me that he would not be moving into the new house. We had purchased together. Unannounced to me he had found a home of his own, sometime earlier. I blinked. I found myself infertile, without a husband and moving into our new home, alone. I was very disappointed. But I was not devastated. We had passionate sex the night before. We were having coffee and Danishes, like we did each morning. The only difference was that, this morning I would begin a life on my own. I should have been frightened. I was not. I should have been angry. I was not. I should have asked why. I did not. Instead I smiled, hugged him and assisted the movers with our belongings and went on with life.

Several months later I began dating a gentleman. He pretended to be. He said all the right things and made all the right moves, at least in the beginning. Freshly out of a broken relations. I heard only what I needed to hear. I heard him say 'I want to take care of you and share everything I have with you.' I interpreted that to mean that I was the only one for him. I had not then realized that there are numerous 'ones' for us all, just in different spaces in time. Each sent to teach us a different lesson and to strengthen us in a different manner. To assist us with the strengthening of our 'base'. He asked me to move in with him. So I rented my house to a nice, young couple. Jumped heart first into the murky waters, of love. Things were, as the say, 'A-O.K.' in the beginning!

I though I was happy. Until I missed my menstrual cycle. I was pregnant with his child. Involved in the last days of a divorce and all the emotions that can entail. Yet, I did get what I had previously prayed for. A miracle I had prayed for and desired to achieve with my husband. Yet, it was this complex man. Who helped me conceive such a special miracle. Maybe, because I no longer had the pressure to do so. I had forgotten that the doctor said I may be able to conceive approximately nine months after the surgery. It turned out that she was correct. Nearly nine months to the day I conceived.

I was elated and frightened simultaneously. How was I to tell this man that I thought I was pregnant? When my husband said that he had left me for being infertile. Why did I not become pregnant while Mikael and I were together? What a blessed mess, I thought. Upon going in for a pregnancy examination, the doctor regrettably, informed me that the opening in my cervix was no larger than that of the head of a straight pin. Along with a few other major complications. This meant that I would most likely not be able to carry the child full term. Or, successfully deliver the child. It was a miracle in itself. That I was capable of conceiving. I eventually lost the child.

Sometimes we have to give up miracles to understand the significance of the experience. So, my miracle, my child, would never be realized. Fate is a fickle lady! It is often said that 'God doesn't always give you what you want, when you want it. But He'll give you what you need, when you need it!'

Then one day 'out of the blue', this gentleman, while holding me in his massively gentle arms, said 'We need to change our living arrangements.' The tears began to flow, but I spoke as if I were unattached to the pain associated with such a moment. I responded as if it were someone else that he was in need of obtaining his freedom from. To his credit, he explained that he had expected visitors to arrive shortly and was concerned as to their understanding our living arrangements. Being that we were co- habitating, and he was a minister. But, I had long recognized the signs of infidelity, on his part. Yet, I did not question his motives.

So, there I was fertile, without a husband. Without what I thought to be a gentleman friend, and homeless. So, I did what I normally did. I said 'O.K., Thank You.' I wiped my tears, raised my chin, thus sticking my nose up in the air and packed my belongings. I rented a storage facility and moved in with one of my sisters and her child, in a one bedroom apartment. She would prove to impact my life in a way I could not fathom. At this point, it was time for me to show what I was made of. For years I had been Perceived, in my family as the pillar of strength. Able to handle anything life placed before me. Whether it was being molested as a child, being raped on more than one occasion as a teenager, or being stalked by one of my attackers, and a myriad of other atrocities.