Memoirs For a Dead Girl

November 2

C WOMAN!!!

I miss you! I miss home - (your mom and dad). This has to be the craziest experience ever. I don't even have a clue if you're gonna understand my attempt to "splain Lucy", but I shall give it a go.

First off, I am wasted. No drugs, just s--t-faced drunk, so I don't give a s--- about what I'm tellin' ya. F--- this place. I hate this man. I don't know where I am or what I doin' here. Mark my words, I'm escaping and I'll hitch home ASAP. So here goes. I vowed to myself I'd never get beaten - especially after my fine example of a father, but wha lah. Black eye, chipped front tooth and I swear my nose is broken. Am I the dumbest girl in the world? Probably. Obviously my genes are screwed. I need to get this out, so I hope you read this soon. Does that make sense? Doubt it.

Anyway, three days ago, Joe met these two weirdos at a little store out in the middle of the F---ING DESERT, and decides to invite them to join us on our little cross country trip to somewhere in the depths of HELL! What are they're names? Ummm, Oh yeah, Barry and Cheryl. Both have long hair down to their asses and they have loads of D-R-U-G-S. Everything. Ridiculous really. So Joe, the asshole, and Beth, the dumb ass, start partying. OH - MY - GOD. I almost wish I could explain to you how I wonder why the hell God is sparing me. I don't know. Anyway, Joe decides that since Barry thought that I was pretty, he would make my face a little less attractive. It was as simple minded as that. He took his full beer bottle and broke it over my nose. C, it hurt so f---ing bad, I was at a loss. I cried and he just ignored me the rest of the night while they stayed up doing God knows what. I gotta get outta this hell. Hopefully I can escape tonight.

I know this is something you don't want to hear, but this is so important to me, C. I need you Go do me a humungous favor. If anything happens to me, I have a letter for you to tell you what to do, and a letter for my daughter when she's 18. I won't say anymore. It's just in case, o.k.?

I'll be home in a couple of weeks and I'll suck up to your mom and dad and beg them to adopt me. I mean it. I love them. I miss Jared and Mike, too. You all mean so much to me, I can't believe I left, for what? This? Man, Chels, you should have given me this black eye when I told you I was going to do this. I can't wait to hug you. I want to take some classes next quarter - will they let me back in school? Why not? I'm gonna get my s--- together, You'll see. I almost can't wait. See ya in a minute!

Love,

B

My journey continues . . .

January 3

Just like Beth. The letter was almost what I expected. She dropped quite a bombshell. Honestly, I'm glad that she never told me about Steve. I would have hated the last days of her life to be with negative energy from me. She was right, I would have hated her. Now I'm glad a silly teenage boy didn't come between us. I'm glad that I know now, though. Certain things make sense that confused me years ago.

The longer I live, the more sense life makes. It makes more sense because I now know that I don't know anything. There is no such thing as a fact. Well, there may be facts in my reality - but how far does my "reality" extend?

Until someone can answer the age old question of "why are we here?" or give me a definitive and absolute meaning of love, the human race knows nothing. Sure, we have strong opinions and theories, but that is all they are. We can't even prove that we are not living in a dream. I think it's good just to have a lot of faith.

The teenage years are confusing and sometimes horrifying. I think it was very difficult at times being in my twenties, too. I did have a lot of fun, but I thought I knew far more than I actually did, so being a know-it-all made it more upsetting at times. Now I am glad that I know nothing, it helps make more sense out of this wild and wacky life I'm living.

I just got a flash of Beth's funeral. Her mom showed up. She was bawling. I'm not sure if my heart has ever felt so wrenched. It's a sound like no other...the sound of a mother grieving for her child. Maybe I should try to find her mom. The police were kind enough to wait outside of the funeral home before they arrested her. As far as I know, she's still in the pokey.

I'm glad my family gave Beth a beautiful service. A lot of people showed up. People I didn't expect to see. I also believe the kids were more cautious after faced with such a brutal reality.

I want to tell Beth that I did marry. I was too young and I did it for all of the wrong reasons. I am now divorced and I have no children. I have hope for a future relationship. I have failed, but I have learned. I'm even considering adoption if I marry again. Because of Beth, I realize how important a loving, stable family is to all children. Like Hettie used to say, "Our failures are to teach us, not torture us". God, I miss her. She was my saving grace. The older I get, the more I admire her. What a total and complete beauty. An honest to God angel on earth, and I was blessed to have her friendship.

January 10

I was just reading my childhood journal. I don't know why I kept it. Probably fear of someone discovering it in the garbage. Although I was smarter than I thought then, I have a much different understanding of life now. I didn't know that I was raped. I knew that Beth was raped by her dad, but I thought that my actions, alone, were the reason I lost my virginity. I was date raped. Jared found out through the gossip grapevine and beat the living hell out of Brian Turner. Mom and Dad wanted to know why he did it because it had resulted in a three day in-school suspension. Mom and Dad had to pay Brian's medical expenses too. Jared never told my secret. We became inseparable after that.

Now that I can see it from the perspective of a thirty year old...I should have told my parents immediately. I had to deal with the guilt for years when he raped Shawna Zurich. She wasn't as lucky as me. She got pregnant. He was eighteen and convicted. Who knows whatever happened to him. I felt responsible. If I would have told on him, he probably would not have hurt Shawna. I didn't know then what I know now. I was told by a very wise person that I was only doing what I knew how to do at the time. Then Beth was found dead, so it seemed so insignificant.

I finally discovered, when I was married, that I had a problem. Paul encouraged me to attend a group counseling session. I understand now that NO means NO! I didn't deserve it. I even forgave myself.

Paul did a lot of things for me except create a chemical reaction. No sparks. I didn't think that it was necessary. Now I watch my parents smooching each other and smacking each others behinds and realize that their mutual attraction for one another probably helped keep them together through the tough times.

I used to think that infidelity was the problem. That's what I thought until I was 28. Boy, was I wrong. It's just a symptom of bigger problems, but is very difficult to forgive. It breaks the trust which is tantamount to a good relationship. Perhaps it puts the nail in the coffin in so many cases. Why can't a person just know this stuff? All of the hard times I have experienced have been so full of life enriching seeds. The information was planted and respected and it developed - grew into knowledge. Understanding. Perhaps the only stupid people are the ones who choose not to learn from the mistakes they make. What a total waste of precious time for them. Although they do become teachers for the wise.

(95 pages)