Broken Vessel

Numb with the news, in more than a state of shock, even unable to cry, it is beyond belief for me. The man remains to talk as I stare out into space, I close the door as he walks away, I begin to cry, not for myself, but for my husband. Oh God, I cry! Now what?

My car is broken, I have no money, I need to go get my girls, I’m a total mess, and now have to go out of town to face this situation.

I get a ride, it is night before we arrive at his families out of town. I go into his mothers house, I can sense I’m not welcomed, all the years of what he had done to me erased from their minds. All they knew was that he was dead and they blamed that on me too! They were not letting go the time I left him, their faces with words unspoken, yet riddled with questions unanswered.

No turning back no I thought to myself as I sat my things down in the back bedroom, we had to move forward, or at least I knew I had to, especially for my girls. I could not afford to stay in such a place that would soon kill me too! It was clear in what I had to do, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically I could feel as it tried to grip my very soul, tearing at me from within to consume my very presence. I could not let it have me, I seen what hate, bitterness, pride, and not to forgive others had done around me for years. I too could not succumb to it, it would slowly take your life from within. As I sat on the edge of the bed I could feel it as it tried to hold me in a place of wanting to lash out, I wanted to blow it all up in my mind. I had to move away from it quickly, such destruction awaited me if I took its path. I could not go to it as it called me to come to its arms of despair, I would not surrender to its call, now or ever.

After the funeral I was given my husbands 'Will', in a long white un-addressed envelope. What it contained I would soon find out would be the most excruciating time of my life, its contents for me held a silent scream that no one could hear nor perceive, nor did I care to share with those around. It was contained so deep within me that day and for some time to come, it was deafening to my ears, my heart, my soul.

I gathered my girls belongings, and we headed home, some how I treasured the long drive home this time. The drive was never ending to me, my girls fell asleep, and the quietness led me to retrace the piece of paper I was given. The Will! Stating he leaves his mom as executor of the estate, to sell everything and pay his bills, he acknowledges that Shawna and Trinity are his daughters, and states to my wife Kitty, I leave the sum of one dollar ($1.00), no more and no less.

That piece of paper read to me was a valueless consideration for life, caring nothing for life, others or themselves. All worthless on his part, the struggle on his part to maintain power was a driving force even in his death, it was all so very sad!

My life, the years I stayed with him, was worth one dollar! It was not the money I cared about it was the intent behind the statement, and my husband knew that. He knew this would be his last slap to me, even in his death. Reaching from the grave to get to me, to kill me, to bury me in it all. I shook as I thought of the useless ugly intent of the evil that was behind it.

The road ahead went on forever, the blackness of the night seemed to engulf me in it, the night was as I, dark and silent and passed by without a thought, yet there! I held back the tears, I wanted my girls to not know a thing of this, my body acting as if it were without emotion at that time. I couldn’t seem to catch my breath, how silly of my husband to continue to try and kill me, didn’t he know I was already dead to what I was about. He had stripped me of everything I ever dreamed of, gone!

The person I was, who I was trying to hold on to, I didn’t know her either. She was just a reaction performing in a shell of a body, just going through the motions hoping to get to the end of another day.