Unhinged

I woke today in a panicked sweat with tears streaming down my face and hands swollen from the scorching heat of a typical Texas July coupled with a broken A/C unit. I couldn’t help but feel the tightness of my wedding bands around my slightly engorged finger. I couldn’t seem to shake this claustrophobic feeling --I tried, I really tried. It didn’t used to hit me this way, at least not consistently. Some days I’d get this feeling like I couldn’t breathe and would want to scream. Being honest, I am completely overwhelmed by my kids, my husband, and my entire life. I wasn’t even twenty-five yet and ever since the birth of our beautiful son a few months ago, I can’t stop wondering “How is this my life?” “How did I get here?” “What am I doing?” Two children under the age of three, two car payments (one of which was the ever-dreaded mom mobile that was so practical you couldn’t help but love it), tons of bills, and the endless barrage of seemingly mandatory play dates. I can’t believe I’ve turned into a suburban mom, minus the awful haircut and jeans. I’m sure I sound like one of those ungrateful and self-pitying housewives who should have nothing to complain about because I have been blessed with a great life. One where I don’t have to work because my husband is a great provider and has an income that allows me the luxury of staying home to raise our children. I have the BEST in-laws a few hours away. My family is great too, but they are admittedly dysfunctional and mostly crazy. But the truth is, I’m alone in this life Brian and I have made together. I had such big dreams when I was finishing up my final year of college. I knew I was going to get married, to presumably and hopefully, the love of my life. Although, can you ever really be one hundred percent sure? I wanted to get my Master’s degree, work for a nonprofit to help those less fortunate like I had been, and my family, and my family’s family and so on. I wanted to join the Peace Corps--do something truly meaningful. I knew doing these things would be a bit difficult because I was marrying a military man, future United States Air Force pilot, but figured we would make it work somehow. Besides, I loved the idea of being able to tell people that I was a pilot’s wife. I accepted that I would live wherever the government told us my husband was needed; there would be a lot of time apart due to training and deployments. Undoubtedly, it was going to be a sacrifice on both our parts to different extents. The idea of the unknown and the ability to move every couple of years used to be exciting to me. I always loved a man in a uniform, and I especially loved MY man in uniform, so it was nothing I couldn’t handle. It was nothing that our love wouldn’t be able to endure. I would surely be able to find a legitimate online Master’s degree program to complete since everything can be done online these days. The Peace Corps may not have been a viable option since I wasn’t fond of leaving my new husband and children, but I could work for a nonprofit wherever we moved, right? Why not? I could plan for the unexpected. The imagined plan to being successful would work. We’d have a great life and things would be all happily ever after! Looking back, I know this was the young, disillusioned and idealistic version of myself. This was the energetic, hopeful and naive version of myself. Unfortunately, the vision you have for your life and what actually happens rarely align. Life, and God, have a different way of paving their way through your reality. This is that story.