We do not think much about this particular subject nor discuss it with any of our friends or colleagues but there are small things that happen in our lives all the time that determines whether our life is going to be happy and fulfilling or embedded in sadness. These little moments are defined by me as a ‘defining moment’. Most moments that can have a profound impact on the way our life unfolds are very subtle and at the time do not seem important nor worthy of note. Other times a moment just happens and it is like a slap in the face. You know at this point that you have a decision to make. Some people say that life is a game of chance and there is a lot of truth to that. Honestly in life, we are at a 50/50 stalemate. Luck plays a large percentage in what kind of life we are to have and our decisions determine the other part. If you understand that this is the way of real life, then it is very important to be able to recognize these moments and make the correct decision. The house already has the deck stacked against you as it is. Borrowing the fact that we are born with a silver spoon in our mouth or some rich brat that a life has already been provided for, the rest of us have really better pay close attention to such moments…they are who we are.
My name is Jenny-Lee and this is my story. When I was younger and had not really experienced much of life, I never gave such notions much thought. After all, life had been good up to this point and I had never really had to face adversity. I was young and carefree and things just always seemed to work its way out in a positive manner no matter what kind of attitude I took. This is usually true with most teenagers and young adults before the real life lessons begin to fall upon their shoulders.
Looking back now, I wish I had done a lot of things different. I crossed many pathways and chose that path easiest for me at the time regardless of what effects it placed on others. After all when you are young and pretty and carefree, you can just about get away with anything. You are daddy’s little girl and you do no wrong. That part of my life now is only a distant memory. I have conscientiously and inadvertently made bad decisions without thought. I have learned the hard way that karma is a Bitch. I would describe karma as like a bank that each of us has where we make deposits and withdrawals. When you choose to do good deeds for the benefit of others with regard of yourself, you are banking karma points. When you live your life without any regard for others, you are expending your karma. We all have to make a payment to karma. It is said that your sins will come back to revisit you tenfold. This may be a silly notion but I have learned the hard way that no truer statement could be made. I am “Steele Standing” but barely. The fact is I have been propped up by many people of whom have stood by my side even when I knew I didn’t deserve it. Jack is one such person that has really been my crutch. God only knows why he has stood by me with all the difficulties it has caused him. So you see “Steele Standing” is a loose term.
As I bring you my story to come, you will see some of the decisions that I have made that I so wish I could take back. That time has come and gone and what is left, I have to live with. In the unraveling of my life these past few years, I have dragged many people into my nightmare. This has not intentionally been done but it’s just the way things are. We are told from childhood that sticks and stones may break our bones but words will never hurt us. This is definitely not true. To hold your tongue or hold back a cruel thought and not reveal can be the difference between someone not striking out at you when you are down. Words can cut like a knife and I am guilty of delivering such words to those who cared for me. I did not totally create the storm but now I am faced to stand within its wake. I just would not have fathomed that the storm would have lasted this long. I have paid for my sins it seems tenfold or greater but yet the storm continues to rage. I’m sure one day things will get better and there will be light at the end of the tunnel. After all, without hope, all is already lost. Hope is what I hold onto to make it through each day.
Oh, do I long for my old life back. If I had known back then that the cause and effect of my decisions would render me this life I have now, if you want to call it a life, then I would do things much different. I have to find a way to start to put the pieces of my life back together. I really honestly have no clue where to start. It is said that I will build my house on a solid foundation. I have no creation for a foundation and have yet to recognize which way to turn to get my life back in order. Like I said, life is a game of chance and defining moments.