1 - Introduction
Here's a fact. If it hasn't happened to you yet, it's going to. Nothing can stop it. It's coming. Unexpected buses aside - one day you will turn 50. It happened to me this year - and now I'm the oldest I've ever been.
Until I turned 50 for myself, I had always thought 50 was old. Very old. It seems a lifetime now since I was a teenager when even people in their 30's were old. I don’t know if it’s like this for you, but for me, the thing is, inside, I feel exactly the same as I felt when I was 19. Still do. Actually - I have felt exactly the same through the new millennium and every other key milestone along the way. Perhaps other people can see changes in me - but I can't. I'm still always right and the whole world happens in my theatre, from my point-of-view. My wife has taken to calling me Victor (he of One Foot in the Grave fame) but to me, I'm just the same. Mitch. A young chap setting out in the world. I've never had a "the policemen are so young" or "the kids these days..." moment. (Well - so I thought until the kids started wearing those bloody stupid trousers that show their undies and half their arse as they walk along. Looks like they've dropped a turd in their pants and are struggling to find an inconspicuous spot to unload it!)
Anyway. In my early 20's I was determined that I would never “Let myself go...” as they say. I would never be one of those blokes who could put his pint on his beer belly at the bar. I would never be the chap who ran out of puff after 50 yards on the park with the kids. I would never be changing up trouser sizes because comfort was important.
I was going to watch my weight.
And it’s been a battle let me tell you. A battle that I had mostly lost. The key problem being that my metabolism slowed down at a rate matched exactly (though inversely) by my increased interest in good food, fine wine and the demon Haagen Dazs.
The other key problem was the small voice in my head that managed to convince me for the last 15 years that “I could drop it off in a few weeks if I wanted to.”
Problem is – you can’t.
There are few truer sayings than “A moment on the lips – a lifetime on the hips”. I had many, many fine moments on the lips (and I had the hips to prove it) – always accompanied by the belief that I could get in shape if I really needed to.
I tried to lose weight.
And how often I tried.
If there was ever a fad or a latest way to get in shape – I’ve tried it – for a bit. And spent a fortune in the process. Of all the routes to slimness - gym membership has been the least effective. Somehow the act of joining the gym, getting the introduction and the walk-around seemed to convince my brain that I was actually getting fitter and thinner. Never used to go near the place after the first or second visit, but could go for 3 or 4 months membership eating and drinking whatever I liked and telling everyone I had joined the gym.
The same thing with all the different diets.
We would get the books (Vicki my wife would actually read them) and then we’d embark on the next weight-loss crusade. Sometimes a bit successfully – but always offset by the flurry of eating and drinking at the end of it.
We did a detox once for 4 weeks – followed by the most impressive retox known to man. Tried food combining. Problem being I combined everything with Haagen Dazs. Tried Yoga for a while – great for the flexibility. Tried jogging a bit. Thai scented body wraps got a look in. You name the plan – I’ve been there, done that.
So it was, on approaching 50 it occurred to me that I had failed on this weight issue despite involvement over the years in nearly every program of weight control listed on Google. (Type “Weight control” – I got something like 65 million hits in 0.18 seconds – that’s a lot of diet advice)
3 - Exercise more
Just do it.
Great motto. But just do what?
When I first started this I went down to the park in order to exercise. I was motivated, revved up and ready to go.
I was on fire!
I did 21 press ups which seemed like quite a lot, about 13 sit ups, 18 lunges and then, well, sort of stood there wondering what to do next. So I drank water and flexed my shoulders aggressively like boxers do on telly before a fight.
Then looked around feeling a little bit like a twat.
I didn’t have a plan.
You need a plan. And it needs to be easy to remember and execute as not many of us want to go round the park carrying an instruction manual.
I had learned over the years (from countless books and gaggles of fitness trainers in uncomfortable looking shorts) that running burns the most calories. Nothing beats a 10k run if you want to deal a death blow to around 900 of the little bastards. But a regimen of different exercises builds better shape than just running. Plus – key point – running is bloody boring.
So we will look at a mix of running and exercises.
First let’s deal with the exercises – we will come to the running in a moment.
Section 5 – Running
Running.
Such a simple word. Easy to say. Absolutely clear what it means.
No problem.
But if you think about it – it is actually a difficult thing to explain. The Oxford English dictionary side-steps the point. Type in “Running” and this is what it tells you –
1 the action or movement of a runner:
Brilliant.
That clears that up. It’s like looking for the definition of wanking and being told that it is the actions or movements of a wanker. Anyone can prepare a dictionary like that!
Wikipedia is a lot better…
Running is a means of terrestrial locomotion allowing humans and other animals to move rapidly on foot. – Wikipedia
http://www.dictionarygeek.com/?url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Search?search=running
And, Wiki gives you a cool 1950’s picture that explains the whole thing rather well. First of all we can view running from the side – and then in case you weren’t sure – we can view running from behind as well.
And your view is of a bloke in the nude so no shorts to get in the way of clear understanding.
I searched the web but they don’t seem to have captured the movement of running from the front, so no wildly waving willie shots available I’m afraid. (Pic 6 = Man running)
((Insert graphic 6))
Wiki also doesn’t explain why the geezer is in the nude. Or how they convinced him to do this for the camera in the first place? But there you are, that – apparently – is running.
However - if you search down a bit further on Wiki you get to the important bit. I could have read this and then puffed it out into around 16 pages or so – which would make for a weightier book – but could not improve on the wonderfully coherent, concise and complete two paragraphs below.
It is so well written I have cut’n’pasted it here…
Running can assist people in losing weight, staying in shape and improving body composition. Running increases your metabolism. Different speeds and distances are appropriate for different individual health and fitness levels. For new runners, it takes time to get into shape. The key is consistency and a slow increase in speed and distance. While running, it is best to pay attention to how one's body feels. If a runner is gasping for breath or feels exhausted while running, it may be beneficial to slow down or try a shorter distance for a few weeks. If a runner feels that the pace or distance is no longer challenging, then the runner may want to speed up or run farther
Running can also have psychological benefits, as many participants in the sport report feeling an elated, euphoric state, often referred to as a "runner's high". Running is frequently recommended as therapy for people with clinical depression and people coping with addiction. A possible benefit may be the enjoyment of nature and scenery, which also improves psychological well-being
In short it says that running will help you lose weight and get in shape and feel good.
Fantastic!
So why doesn’t everyb