Polyamory Many Loves

I began writing as a means to cathart, release, reprogram and heal a lifetime of abuse, cultural conditioning, religious programming and societal pressure. My husband, a therapist, one of the best in the world, didn't realize how wounded I was when I met him the Summer of 1997. Despite the smiles on my face when we met at the Loving More Polyamory Conference in California, I had actually hit rock bottom. No one knew because I was a good actor. So good, in fact, I fooled myself.

I was in deep pain. Both my parents were dying. I was living in a co-dependant relationship in a tiny, one-room studio with Jason, an alcoholic. I loved Jason. Jason, handsome, brilliant, dynamic, began having more and more frequent episodes of alcoholic psychosis and would beat me when he couldn't figure out who he was. I knew it was sick but I couldn't bring myself to leave. On top of that, my best friend Janice left Hawaii to be a stripper in Alaska. She was my major support system, my only real friend next to Jason and he wasn't someone I could rely on because he was going nuts. When Janice left, her broken-hearted boyfriend and I became lovers. We were all poly, so it was ok in the long run, but even with permission for some reason Will and I hid the fact we were lovers from Janice for a while. I soon learned that trying to fix one damaged relationship with a new dysfunctional one was a recipe for trouble.

Rock bottom's not as bad as it could be. You can only go up from there. Like the Phoenix rising, after the meltdown I was born anew. With the help of Sasha, Dr. Lessin, my new beloved and future husband, I began to reconstruct my life. He gently guided me as I dove fully into it and took myself through the wringer. No holds barred. I had to get to the core of myself in order to make it because the years of band-aid therapy was actually killing me. Through the process I began to realize who I am. Up until then my entire life had been a facade created by my own psyche's ability to fabricate an operational reality from whence I could function while protecting my walking, wounded Inner Child. That poor baby, who was me, couldn't face reality and remain sane. I can forgive myself because what I've learned through my own process and the subsequent years I've worked beside Dr. Lessin as a counselor, is that my story is a very common one.

I've been writing this book for nine years. There's no end, just a logical stopping point or this story will never get to the editors. My story, like yours, like the human story, is ongoing. However, now, I'm living in a pretty blissed-out space. I'm either very brave or a bit crazy as I've climbed outside the societal matrix and challenged all the social norms to get what I really want. My discontent, anger, sorrow and rage guided me out of the dark. Raised Christian, conservative Republican, heterosexual, monogamous, I'm now on the polar opposite side of the spectrum from where I originated. Now I'm the most open-minded person I know. Spiritual, liberal, peace-voter, bisexual, polyamorous, I couldn't possibly be happier. While my days aren't always perfect, in my core being I'm at peace because I'm free to pursue the real me.

I invite you to do the same and set yourself free. Journal, take classes, open up, explore. Stretch your boundaries, get out of your box and climb outside your comfort zone. See who you really are beyond your self-imposed parameters designed by shoulds shoved down your throat. You may stay just where you are. But more likely, you can't help but grow. While you may not end up in the same place I am, that's cool. The journey to self discovery and the realization that you're at choice is all that matters.

I hope you enjoy my story. It's very deep, personal, intense. I can hardly believe I'm sharing what I'm sharing. If I think about it too much, I'll censor it and never get it out there. My husband's been my biggest fan, has encouraged me to write. Without him, this book just wouldn't be. And I know it's meant to be. Somehow I feel it's important you know, that you realize someone else has been down that road, experienced similar things, thought strange thoughts and played with far-out ideas ways beyond the norm. That's probably how "the norm" changes. First hidden, now revealed, the truth, as scary as it sometimes feels, eventually sets us free. All of us. Free to be who we really are.