Logic of Demons

He couldn’t stop staring at the ultrasound image. In it was his entire reason for living. All his future hopes and dreams floated there with the baby, so safe and secure, curled so adorably in the fetal pose of an unborn child. Looking at the dark space surrounding the fetus, he felt a sudden shiver spread through him, realizing how in love he was with the womb, the baby’s sanctuary within his beloved Bridget. The seeds of love had been planted ten years ago, in middle school, when both Devin and Bridget had poked endless fun at each other’s braces. He smiled, thinking that just three weeks ago he had finished painting the baby’s room pale blue, the same color that Bridget had carefully chosen for Devin Jr. The longer he stared at the sonogram in his trembling hand, the more he pretended things were right.“Devin,” said Mrs. O’Connell, gently grasping his arm. “Please, my boy, please put that away. We know how much you loved our daughter.” She gazed at him with the compassion of a grieving mother, yet she’d become worried for her son-in-law’s sanity. Could he survive the trauma of this tragedy? Ýevin raised eyes brimming with tears to hers and slipped the ultrasound image back into the pocket of his wool overcoat. It was a cold, overcast day, the kind that could make people depressed even in the absence of tragedy. This gloomy morning sucked the life out of the grass carpet and stately trees of the burial grounds. The cemetery was desolate aside from a cluster of mourners standing near a freshly dug grave. The love of Devin’s life awaited burial in a white coffin. Two groundskeepers from the funeral home stood nearby, awaiting the signal to lower the casket. But first, the priest had to conclude the traditional rites of burial.“God, our Father, your power brings us into the world, your providence guides our lives, and by your command we return to dust,” intoned the priest standing beside the grave and the thirty-odd mourners. Devin couldn’t help but sense something like hypocrisy in the words. Did God even allow the baby in the sonogram to be brought into the world? No, he thought. There was no comfort in the priest’s words for the weeping man in a dark suit and black overcoat. Devin was Jewish, but it wasn’t a religious thing to him. Priests and rabbis were all the same: they all spoke to a force that could not be seen or heard, a great, unimaginable being believed to protect the humans he created. Ýespite their different backgrounds, he and Bridget had shared a similar philosophy on life. Their love for each other served as the basis for their spirituality. They even shared the same concept of an afterlife. Both believed that life after death existed, but neither knew exactly what kind of world awaited them. Bridget would jokingly assure Devin that she’d be his guardian angel if something were ever to happen to her. “Lord, those who die still live in your presence; their lives change but do not end,” continued the priest. Ýevin definitely did not feel his wife’s presence this morning, and her absence filled his heart with anguish. Like the words in the Catholic burial prayer, life had changed but had not yet ended. Although these words were meant for the deceased, they were a source of angst for Devin. He felt he was in the presence of an incompetent shepherd, the same Lord above who had allowed a pregnant woman to be raped and murdered by a homeless drug addict.“May they rejoice in your Kingdom, where all our tears are wiped away.” The priest was almost finished. All Devin had today were his own shaking hands to wipe the tears off his face. “Gentleman, please lower the casket.” The priest gestured respectfully toward the two uniformed Latino groundskeepers. They began turning a wheel that lowered Bridget’s coffin into the ground. Devin rushed frantically toward the edge of the grave, as if to assure that Bridget wasn’t being harmed in any way. “Son,” said Mr. O’Connell, leaving his wife’s side and the rest of the mourners surrounding them. He came beside Devin and put one arm securely around his shoulders. “It’s okay. She’s fine.” Together, they stared into the deep hole in the ground, witnessing part of their souls being buried.