YOUR INNER GOD

“I can tell you sincerely that I can remember very few things from my childhood. I can say that I have an extraordinary family who has supported me, mostly financially. My parents helped me a great deal on this road of self-discovery. I am their first child. To my brother I feel a special energetic bond. The difference of age between us is only one year and two months. After six more years my sweet sister was born. She has been for me as “an elder sister”, as she has a strong personality, with the attitude of a leader and she is very determined regarding what she wants to do with her life.
I used to be a very withdrawn, isolated person, as my only goal was to be the best in school. I used to have some very clear and rigid life principles, which in time made me suffer awfully lot. I borrowed all these stiff stereotypes from the people around me and especially from my family. My mother comes from a family of Catholic priests and she paid enough attention to the fact of raising us in a religious and sober environment. Her grandmother's brother had a PhD in the history of religions. His name was Neculaes Dominic. Consequently I grew up as a very religious person, being convinced that the Church will give the answers to all my questions.
In high school my only concern was to study. I was admitted as first, having the best grades to an economic high school and after four years I finished as the second best student. Already then I felt I was somehow special, because I was different from the other kids. I felt very mature at that age and I knew I didn't come accidentally into this world. Afterwards, I continued my studies at a famous university in Iași. During my years at the university my first concern was, as always, to study and especially my first boyfriend, who appeared in my life. It was love at first sight, a strong attraction from both sides, without knowing how much this relationship of approximately five years would change me. My lack of experience and my narrow way of looking at life have brought me a lot of pain and suffering. Due to the fact that I was living according to the rules imposed by my family and those promoted by the Church, I went on living an unhappy and senseless life. Only after having graduated from university did I impose to myself to break this dysfunctional relationship and to start a new life. I have suffered tremendously, as I was left with a very deep wound that healed very difficultly. My suffering was getting bigger and bigger, as I was observing that I was breaking the strict rules of the Church and I was considering myself a more and more “sinful” person. For approximately five years I have lived in my own “Hell”, because I used to believe that humiliation and suffering are normal if you wanted to be loved and cared for by God. I knew it was a huge sin to have a lover without being married, and because this inevitable incident had occurred, I had to endure absolutely everything to get to the “sacred marriage”.
After having graduated from the university, I continued my studies for four more years, to get specialized in the field where I wanted to become the best. I finished a master program in commerce, after which another one specializing in human resources. In the meantime I met the person who soon became my husband. Forced by my old beliefs and my family, I have made the innocent decision to take this important step. One of my outdated beliefs was not to live in sin. Especially as I knew I have already sinned once, in the sense of a Christian life. After a relatively short period my husband has decided to be next to another woman, who probably brought him more happiness and joy. I found myself forced to face the facts and I was surprised by his attitude, as he was a calm and good-hearted man. It was very difficult for me to accept the reality, which caused me even more pain. My suffering had two sources. Firstly, divorce was a huge sin, and secondly I have been disappointed because I trusted people a lot. I suffered deeply because of the two partners. The wound was getting deeper and deeper. Then followed a few years of introspection and meditation on everything that had happened. I questioned myself permanently why was all of this happening to me if I was a religious person who had been observing the rules strictly. My eternal question was: “Why?”
After my divorce a few years of loneliness followed, because the suffering was exceeding me and it was time to go deep down in my heart and discover who God really was, where was he when I needed him, why was he so cruel to me after having dedicated my life to him. I was born in the town of Roman, the county of Neamț. A beautiful city, but not as big as I would have wanted. Therefore I chose to leave my home town right after I graduated from high school to have other opportunities and to get to know other people. I left a piece of my heart in each place I have ever been to. “