For years, my grandmother told me to write a book about my life because I kept a journal. I thought she was crazy due to the fact I’d have to expose the things I wanted to forget and hide. My secrets were my business only. But after making changes in myself and my thinking, I had a Divine revelation that my mess could be turned into a message, my tests into a testimony to help someone else. It’s the only way to be humble and show that you care about others enough to air your dirty laundry. I thought it would be an easy thing to do, but after reflecting on my life, I was wrong. Still, I don’t want anyone repeating my mistakes all because I was too selfish to be honest about them. There are things which I still struggle to forgive myself for doing.
Sharing my story may have been easier if I could point the finger of blame at what went wrong with me. In my case, I completely destroyed myself several times over and did so by stuffing my feelings deep inside, choosing not to deal with them and thinking they would just go away. Time and time again they resurfaced in areas which affected parts of my life which were difficult to fix. No one understood how I went from one extreme to the other and at first I didn’t either. Keeping secrets had a lot to do with it, though.
My ego almost got the best of me. I like to refer to it as the “enemy” or “inner-me.” However, love conquers all and God is love. I sold my soul to the devil a few times for a quick buck and in the end I didn’t have my soul or the money to show for it. So was it worth it? No, not at all. Although God forgives us, other people forgiving us and forgetting about our actions is a different story. I’m grateful that I was humbled to the point of having nowhere else to turn and I choose to remain that way. I also choose to be transparent because as humans we will all make mistakes. No matter what I did, I’m still a child of God and He still loves me.
I had to learn to forgive myself, forgive others, love myself unconditionally, and accept myself with all of my flaws. I was sick of hiding and covering up, wearing a mask, and lying to myself. I had to realize that I had the power to choose, but I must be wise in my decisions and think before I act. I embraced a miserable existence, not realizing that God’s best was far better and greater than my definition.
When I say I had to love myself unconditionally, I mean without limitation or boundaries. I had to learn to love myself and others in spite of, not because of. In spite of differences in opinion, social status, upbringing, or mistakes, we are commanded to love in the Bible. I quit playing God and started listening to Him. Our definitions in life place limits on the limitless spiritual being which rests within each one of us. I asked God for a purpose and an opportunity to be what He sees in me because my way was not working like I’d planned. Now that He’s done so and answered my prayers, I made Him a promise that I’d fully commit to the work He’d have me to do, no matter the cost. When I made that promise, I meant it from my heart and because of that He’s blessed all my endeavors to encourage me to keep going strong. After all that I’ve been through and done, I’m grateful to still be here. The only attitude I need is an attitude of gratitude. Overcoming the ego is a life-long struggle and journey, but it’s worth it and gets easier with practice. Still, I have a long way to go, but I’m grateful to be going full speed in the direction God would have me go.
When I was in elementary school, one of my favorite books was The Magic Eye. If you’re not familiar with The Magic Eye, it’s a book full of blurry images that you focus on until you see the clear 3D image. As I got older, I realized life is a lot like that book. Each picture in The Magic Eye is a collage of little pictures, forming the bigger blurred image which looks chaotic. However, if you focus on it long enough, you’ll see the 3D image. Once you see the 3D image, you can’t miss it. No matter if you blink, wave your hand through it, or shake your head, it stays. The truth is not always pretty, but I’m certain in God’s eyes, there’s a beautiful 3D image in it somewhere.
The message and purpose of this book is to reach our younger generation. We’re influenced by many things via Internet, music, and television. The reality is that my life could happen to you or someone you know if you choose to live your lives and handle feelings like I did mine. I remember many times saying, “I’d never do this or that.” Under the right circumstances, I did everything I thought or said I wouldn’t do and then some.
Correcting mistakes is not easy and it takes a large amount of strength to admit defeat. If you can avoid these things the first time, please do. If you find yourself in a situation similar to mine, realize that you have a choice to figure out what you are to learn from your mistake. Afterwards, don’t repeat it. Instead of striving for perfection, strive to be perfectly honest with yourself and others. I love what Dr. Farrah Gray says: “Instead of focusing on money, focus on the person who’d be left if all that were to be taken away from you.”
Before you began this journey through my life, I encourage everyone to be your best self because anything is possible. In the words of Gandhi, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” Don’t just teach, motivate; don’t just advance, enhance; don’t just reach, inspire; don’t just look, see; don’t just touch, feel; don’t just study, focus . . . and the bigger picture will appear. Target Evolution, Inc., formerly known as the Entrepreneurs Creating Success Association, follows this mantra. It was created to help others who want to be successful and live a life of purpose. As a non-profit organization, our duty is to be a human change agent in society. I changed in the process of developing this organization and evolution is inevitable. Embrace the evolution as an opportunity for growth and allow it to define you.
May the God of your heart inspire your forward evolution with peace and a love which surpasses all understanding.