Brenda Layman
"It doesn't have to be easy, it just has to be possible." These are the words Brenda Layman spoke when she determined to heal her life after the suicide of her fourteen-year-old daughter. Brenda's journey led her from the depths of grief to a new understanding of the power we have to minister to one another and to help bring about healing in even the most painful circumstances. She learned that God does not intend for us to suffer through life's trials alone, but to bear one another's burdens. She also learned that it is when we are hurting the most that it is most difficult to allow comfort and help into our lives.
Song of Joy is the chronicle of her journey from deep sorrow back to the hope-filled life God intends for us all. This book is a message of comfort and hope to the wounded soul.
Brenda Layman is a writer, teacher, and Lay Speaker in the United Methodist Church. She has published articles in
Leader in the Church School Today,
Discipleship Journal, and
The Columbus Dispatch. Brenda and her husband, Mark, have been married twenty-seven years. They have three surviving children, Jonathan and his wife, Julie, and Daniel.
Chapter One
Taking Comfort
Something terrible has happened in your life. Strangely enough, one of your first impulses may be to punish yourself, to add even more pain to your experience. You may feel that you are somehow to blame for what happened, and that, if you suffer enough, you can atone for your mistake. This is useless, destructive thinking. You have already suffered enough. Allow yourself to take comfort wherever you find it, and whenever it is offered. Allow your friends and family to take care of you during this time. Not only do you need to receive their care, they need to give it. When people ask what they can do, tell them. If you just need someone to stay with you so that you won’t have to be alone, ask them. You are not being weak, or selfish, or any of the other negative things you may be thinking about yourself. You are being human. You have experienced a life event that is too much to handle alone. I believe that God does not intend for people to retreat into loneliness when they are hurting. He made us to care about each other, and to care for each other.
When Carol died, our friends and family arrived almost instantly. My sister-in-law and two of our close friends prevented me from running away, on foot, into the night. I had an irrational desire to be somewhere else, anywhere else. Friends held me when I cried. They made all the phone calls we were too stunned to make. Even though he had recently undergone foot surgery, our brother-in-law, Bill, drove to Athens, Ohio and brought our younger son, Dan, home from college that night. Carol’s best friend’s mother, Becky, stayed with me nearly every day, listening to my agonized words and just letting me cry. My son and daughter-in-law, Jon and Julie, sat by my bed and held my hand until I fell asleep. My best friend from childhood, Amy, stayed right beside me as I cleaned out Carol’s room. Neighbors brought us food, cleaned our house, and removed all the fallen leaves from our yard. Mark’s college roommate, John, arrived. John and his wife, Kim, stayed for days at a nearby hotel, just spending time with us and helping us get through the hours and minutes. A group of wonderful ladies from our church handled everything for a houseful of guests following the funeral. These people, and many others, showed us love and compassion in a million large and small ways. We remain eternally grateful for all that they did and continue to do for us. However, we had to allow ourselves to accept all this care. A part of me just wanted to crawl away and die, too, but I knew that was wrong. Although my heart literally ached with grief, a part of me still held on to the knowledge that God does not make mistakes. I don’t understand why this happened, but I know that it is important for me to continue to believe that God is in the business of taking pain and brokenness and turning it into triumph and joy. You may not feel this right now, but hold on to it as an intellectual truth. God loves you. This is not the end of your story. We will get through this.
