The Restoration of a Woman's Soul

One day during a break from these duties, I was sitting inside the control room relaxing under the bright lights, daydreaming, half listening to the sounds around me when out of the mix of sounds and thoughts, a calm voice stood out. My coworker Jim, a young man in his twenties who was a deacon at his church, was witnessing to some of the other employees. Hungry for the Word, I strained my ears to hear what Jim was saying. His peaceful voice seemed to offer something I was missing. Since I worked rotating shifts, I wasn’t able to get to church as often as I had promised. Jim’s ministering almost made me feel like I was at church, so I stayed seated as he witnessed to a group that had gathered around him. I enjoyed the lulling sound of his soft, pleasant voice as he talked about certain scriptures, but as he talked, I was haunted by a nagging sense that I should get up and leave. I was so hungry for the Word, though, that I ignored the voice within and concentrated on what Jim was saying. “You can be forgiven for the life you’ve led,” he was saying. “The Lord will forgive your sins. He will forgive every sin but one. And for that, you can never be forgiven.” “What is it?” someone asked, voicing my own thoughts. “Blasphemy,” Jim answered to blank looks all around. There was a long stretch where nobody said anything. Then: “What is blasphemy, exactly?” I leaned forward to hear what he would say. I had heard the word but never knew what it meant. A cold chill ran through me when Jim spoke. “To curse God,” he said solemnly. My heart began throbbing, and I was filled with dread as an image came to mind of my childhood self, gazing up at a cross nailed to a telephone pole and shouting the forbidden words. I felt my heart rip apart and a ringing sensation filled my ears. How could I have done something so wicked? I thought, shaking my head in sorrow and shock. How could I have been that evil? That moment marked a turning point in my search for salvation. Internalizing my guilt and horror and shame, I wallowed in self-condemnation. Before, I had been filled with the hope that my life could get better, that I had been saved and forgiven. Now I was hopeless. Jim’s words had crippled my belief. I no longer felt worthy to be saved or forgiven. I had cursed God, and for that there was no forgiveness, not even self-forgiveness. I did not realize at that time that God is infinitely merciful and forgives us even when we cannot forgive ourselves. Instead I turned against myself and believed that I deserved total damnation. Not knowing the Bible well, I didn’t know for sure if Jim’s words were true. But I believed him, unaware that he had terribly misquoted the scripture. I remember asking the Lord, “How could You let me be hurt like that? I’m saved. You should have protected me from being hurt!” I became angry with the Lord, blamed Him for my pain. I no longer trust You, because You have allowed me to be hurt, I said in my heart. Later I remembered that persistent tugging I had felt in my heart, that sense, right before the deacon spoke, that I should get up and leave, and I realized that He had tried to protect me. But once again I had made a choice that turned out to be the wrong one. I had failed to respond to His warning. The Lord tries to warn us away from spiritual danger, but we must be tuned in to His leading. We must recognize His warning in the feelings we get that something is not quite right, the sense that we should leave a particular situation. And then we must obey Him. If I had followed the Lord’s guidance that day, I could have saved myself years of pain. Instead, I ended up losing my joy, and I was never the same after that.