Generation EX

~Communicate Vs. Dictate~

I am quite sure you have heard, many annoying times, that good intention line of advice “… just try to communicate a little better… blah, blah… blah…” Of course you have. It seems to me what most outspoken advice givers leave out is the part about “How” to communicate better with your EX. Let’s start with the simple idea of “Why NOT?” For real - why not get along with the mother of your children? I believe that is the real core of the situation at stake.

Dictating to you, to me, to her, is demeaning. You don’t like it, I don’t like it, and 99% of the time, mothers despise it. So why go there? Your dictating days are over, pal. Well, at least are over as head of a whole family unit. You can strongly SUGGEST things, but DICTATING - it ain’t going to happen. Dictating only leads to a bitter response and a false build up of your ego which is a little damaged at this point whether you want to admit it or not. The goal should be to gather and relay positive information that relates to your children’s well being and prosperous futures.

Communication between parents should always be clear and with positive intentions. Keep everyone feeling good about the decisions being made and the game plan ahead. Nature and traffic have a way of causing chaos to almost all carefully planned outings and occasions. Allow time and patience in case those things that you cannot control should arise. If they do, don’t place blame on one another just for demeaning sake. All situations can allow for compromise, you just have to see it. What happens when all parties involved are not aware of the whole game plan when it comes to the ole’ parent weekend transfer? Someone gets mad, usually the parents, and someone gets sad, usually the children. Positive communication keeps everyone happy, especially the children. When dictating methods are used, results almost always end in a negative nature. An example you might be able to relate to: As your lovely EX-wife, (Yes, lovely. Remember we are starting a new vision of the b****, I mean lady. Ok let’s settle for woman,) yells out the car window “I will be here at five o’clock to get Johnny (we will use Johnny because he always gets the rap), you got it?” Maybe the most cordial response you could come up is something like, “Yea…yea.” You get the rude picture? A simple and kind suggestion would sound more like “Johnny will be ready around five o’clock for you. See you then.” That would be a noble compromise.

Compromise: It’s a complicated and often unfair-to-someone type word. It is probably one of the top ten words on earth that EVERYONE has to deal with in their lifetime. If there were never compromises, you would not be here to read this. Think about the idea of “compromise” for a minute. How many times just this year, this month, or this day, have you had to compromise? Many, few, none, you say? Never? If you happen to say “never” you’re probably alone right now. Everyone has to compromise something sometime in their life. Usually, as one loosens their stance and compromises, it is because they are slyly seeking something that will benefit them. Throw the word, or figure EX, into the mix, and BAM! Compromise is an invisible silent word and thought. That now has to change. Change for the kids that are now compromising for their family. You are asking your children to compromise by command or actions. Why shouldn’t you too?

There are many situations that come up in a separated family that require some type of compromising or communicating rather than dictating. It appears to me that the most common disagreeable situation happens when the exchanging of the children for visits takes place. You can see it now, vividly. You’re late, she’s late, the kids are late. Money due, plans changed, kids are missing, get the picture. Now you’re thinking, “compromise.” This is exactly the unbearable kind of moment that has to have compromise. These moments are going to appear time and time again until your children are married! Even when they are married there is still going to be chaos without reason. Deal with it by compromising for the sake of your mind and your children. “How” do you say? Here is just an example of how you can make the exchanges go somewhat smoother, for both parents: Just as if you think nothing of it when you greet your good friend or relative with a grin and a hug, you should greet your EX with a smile and a hug - just a hug. I am not saying grab them and lay one on them, but a nice, barely touching, open armed, hug. I know the thought of you hugging your EX is just not what you’re feeling right now. Making the exchanges more calm and personable for the children’s sake is your motivation. You’ve obviously done more than a hug together, or you wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place. A friendly “buddy” hug hello will further your stance as a caring and cooperative parent. Your hug to your children is the best security you can offer them at the moment too. Your hug to your EX displays your courage and willingness to go on in your new role with pride. Your children will acknowledge these fine attributes.