KPC Exall
Football Mad ! is a modern satire of a very old sport ...
Set in contemporary England after the English football team failed to qualify for the Euro Championship, Politicians, Punters and Parasites realise that English Football is inexorably dying. A Football Enquiry is launched at the request of the British Government to which agents, players, managers, league executives, journalists and the TV Networks are summoned to attend and give evidence.
In parallel, pressure groups of dejected football supporters turned activists are organising protests with increasing ferocity, whilst football leagues and TV Networks fight it out to salvage profits and reputations. The story leads to Geneva and Hong Kong where, incongruously, those involved in the football money making machine resort to intriguing data fudging and other shenanigans to get their way.
Uncontrollable events trigger the end of the gravy train for football profiteers and a re-birth of sporting ethos.
The story evolves in seven parts, uses humour and satire throughout to reveal inescapable truths about the state of English football today.
Born in Norwich, KPC Exall first discovered the thrill of football as a child and has been a supporter of his city's Football Club ever since.
A keen sport follower and globe trotter, KPC Exall uses satire and parody to convey the destructive impact of money in sport.
This is the third book by KPC Exall.
Deirdre: 'Frank it's someone from Africa on line 1.'
Frank Largebottem: 'Can you be a bit more specific, Love? Africa is a bloody big continent. Try and get his name and his country. I know that's not easy, but just focus on the first syllables.'
Deirdre did as she was told, but it did not help Frank much. He'd never heard of a country named after the chairman - berk something or other. In despair he took the call.
Frank Largebottem: 'Largebottem here. Can I help you?'
Caller: 'Mine's small but muscular, but then I don't like to brag about it when I answer the phone-I prefer to be discrete and mysterious.'
Frank Largebottem: 'N'Gamey, is it you, you joker? Are you calling from Africa?'
N'Gamey: 'No, from the jungle of Mayfair, actually it's more of a white ghetto! Seriously, I'm here for a few days and there are one or two African players that might be of interest to you. I can easily pop up North and discuss this with you and your management team.'
In reality N'Gamey would prefer to go anywhere other than Nutton, even his native Senegal. He couldn't work out whether Nutton had been visited by Dickens before he wrote his books or maybe it was just the Bronte sisters. Anyway, Hinchcliffe and the other retard who was, supposedly, a secretary brought some of these books to life.
Frank Largebottem: 'Can you fax the main details and then we'll call you back if we think it's a good idea to drag you all the way up North? I'm surprised you'd want to forego the refined pleasures of Mayfair for the down-to-earth homely comforts of Nutton.'
N'Gamey: 'You know me, just doing my bit for you, Great Masters of English football!'
Frank Largebottem: 'Flattery will get you everywhere, sarcasm might not. Where are the players from? Come on, give me a little background.'
N'Gamey: 'They are from Burkina Faso, formerly known as Upper Volta. They play for youth teams in the capital city-Ouagadougou. One is a tall striker, very fast. The other two are midfielders, very fit and good on the ball. They are all under 20, as usual. You probably covered this in geography at school. Remember, Upper Volta used to be a French colony, so they are French speaking. I guess they would feel at home in any of Nutton's French restaurants!'
Frank Largebottem: 'We don't even have restaurants here, let alone foreign ones. We still hunt for our food. Actually, Albert will be off soon to kill some wild animals. Then we'll eat them while the blood is still hot. Either that or a Domani pizza.'
N'Gamey could well imagine Albert and wild animals. Frank shouldn't refer to Albert's relatives in that way.
