Ed WinKS
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The HuMORbid Book is about Death. Everyone has already died or will die eventually, so why not read, think, talk, and even laugh about Death? Included are sections devoted to Humor, Facts, and Quotations. After you read this book, you'll never forget that funerals begin with fun.
Ed winKS (a pseudonym) was born in 1933 and raised in Brooklyn, New York. He is a 1953 graduate of Baruch College and an army veteran, stationed in Japan for eighteen months. He is currently a CPA with his own practice in New York City.
He lives with his wife in Massapequa, New York They have three children and four wonderful grandsons, Zach, Alex, Danny, and Tyler.
The "author" does not consider himself an author. There is little original material in this book. He gathered the material and put it together in organized form... pretty much like an accountant preparing a financial statement.
"When you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many, it's research." -- Wilson Mizner
Tombstone: Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.
Comment: Who’d ever think there’d be room for two men in that one grave?
* *
Epitaph on an atheist’s tombstone in Thurmont, Maryland:
Here lies an atheist...
All dressed up and no place to go.
* *
A man is aware that his wife has a lover. The wife passes away, and the husband is at her funeral as the coffin is being lowered into the grave. He is crying and notices a strange man, also crying; the husband realizes that he must be the lover. The husband puts his arm around the man’s shoulder and consoles him, “Don’t cry; I’ll get married again.”
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Psychiatrist: “What seems to be your problem?”
Patient: “I have suicidal tendencies.”
Psychiatrist: “My fee is $300... in advance, please.”
* *
Man at grave: “You shouldn’t have died! You shouldn’t have died!”
Second man: “Such grief! Whose grave is it?”
First man: “My wife’s first husband.”
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Three men appear at St. Peter’s gate, and they are asked to describe the circumstances of their deaths.
The first man says, “I was late for work and had just rushed out into the street from the apartment house in which I live... A big cabinet came hurtling down from one of the higher windows and killed me.”
The second man says, “I suspected that my wife was having an affair. Instead of going to work, I returned to our apartment to catch her with her lover. She was alone, but I spotted a man rushing out into the street. In a rage, I picked up our big cabinet and threw it out of the window on him. I had a heart attack and died.”
The third man says, “I was making love to a married woman when we heard her husband at the door, so I hid in the big cabinet.”
* *
Widow: “I want to collect the $20,000 on my husband’s double-indemnity life insurance policy.”
Insurance agent: “How did he die?”
Widow: “He died of cancer.”
Insurance agent: “You can get only $10,000; the $20,000 is payable only if he died by accident.”
Widow: “You think he got cancer on purpose?”
* *
Q: How do you practice for a funeral?
A: You re-hearse.
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Harry Houdini, the sensational magician, and his wife agreed to conduct an experiment in spiritualism; the first to die was to communicate with the survivor. Houdini died on Halloween, 1926; his widow declared the experiment a failure before her death in 1943.
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The most sensational example of insect cannibalism is the devouring of a male praying mantis by the female with whom he has just mated. The male mantid, upon reaching maturity, will seek a female. His approach must be unannounced and unnoticed by the larger female, who would devour him as she would any other prey. The male mounts the female from behind; if he quickly achieves the correct position, he is not molested. If the position is not correct, the female will turn and kill the male. The mating takes several hours; once completed, the female will seize and eat the male, head and forelegs first. The male will offer no resistance. He will automatically continue and complete the sex act even if she commences eating him before copulation is complete. A headless male is able to mate.
* *
The first murder trial to be televised in its entirety took place in 1955. KWTX-TV of Waco, Texas showed the trial of Harry Washburn, who was convicted of slaying his former mother-in-law. Both the defense and the prosecution agreed to the television showing as a public service.
* *
The first execution in the American army took place on June 27, 1776. Traitor Thomas Hickey had plotted with others to capture George Washington and turn him over to the British. Hickey was tried, convicted, and formally hanged in New York City in the presence of 20,000 persons.
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Albert Schweitzer held that all life was sacred; he would not kill an insect or mosquito.
* *
Vlad Dracul was a Romanian nobleman of the 15th century. Dracul means “devil.” His son, Vlad Tepes (Vlad, the Impaler) was known as Dracula, meaning “son of the devil.”
Prince Vlad Tepes was a national hero as he killed thousands of Turks and thieves. Their bodies were left on spikes for all to see. Once, when envoys from the sultan refused to remove their turbans in the presence of the prince, he ordered the turbans be nailed to their heads.
* *
Jerome Rodale, the pioneer of organic gardening and publisher of health books, died of a heart attack on Dick Cavett’s talk show in 1971 (that show was never broadcast).
* *
I shall pass through this world but once.
Any good, therefore, that I can do,
Or any kindness that I can show
To any human being,
Let me do it now.
Let me not defer or neglect it,
For I shall not pass this way again.
--Mahatma Gandhi
* *
“I never wanted to see anybody die, but there are a few obituary notices I have read with pleasure.”
--Clarence Darrow
* *
“If you would not be forgotten, as soon
As you are dead and rotten,
Either write things worth reading,
Or do things worth the writing.”
--Benjamin Franklin
* *
“Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.”
--W. Somerset Maugham
* *
“Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.”
--Ed Howe
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“The only exercise I get is being the pallbearer for my friends who exercise.”
--Red Skelton
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A few weeks before he died, philosopher Sidney Morgenbesser asked, “Why is God making me suffer so much? Just because I don’t believe in Him?”
* *
“Always go to other people’s funerals. Otherwise, they won’t come to yours.”
--Yogi Berra
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