Lita Mortimer
This is a true account of the journey with my family & myself coming to terms with Pagets disease of the breast, a rare form of cancer affecting only 1% of Cancer victims along with grade 3 & intermediate grade breast cancer. Through the pain of telling my family & the effects of surgery / chemotherapy. Also because of the strong pain relief medication the memories of abuse I suffered as a child was brought back from the deepest corners of my mind to be relived again in my nightmares.
An East End born mum of six, with a zest for life, & a life of living still to enjoy. I am a full time carer to my youngest son living with Aspergers Syndrome, an autistic spectrum disorder. I decided to write about our journey with cancer in the hope of it helping us all accept what was happening & hopefully help others about to take their own journey.
I am so scared right now; fear has a hold on me like never before. Today I live in fear of what tomorrow may bring. Knowing all the yesterday's I had already lived I wasn’t sure if I could just accept any more grief. Or even if I had the strength to fight again. I haven’t eaten properly in days. Whenever I close my eyes I can’t sleep, instead I see myself dissolving into this sad individual that’s to weak to function normally, having to rely on family & other people to clean me, feed me & take care of my day to day living. I have known true grief, when Skye my first-born son arrived in this world 16 weeks early & to young to fight for his life, and then treated as little more than hospitals refuse. I have tasted pure fear, when my eldest daughter Marina was born with Spina-Bifida & almost joined her brother then again when she was eight years old I thought I was going to lose her again because of Meningitis. I lived through the most degrading forms of abuse, sexual & physical but never has fear had me like this before, not just for myself but my children & husband. I am so cold I am sweating, I want to scream so loud but when I open my mouth not a sound comes out. I try to run so fast to escape this new nightmare but can’t move my feet, & I want this horrible disease to go away but I know it isn’t about to. It is here & its here to stay. I would go back & face my past over again, if it meant my family & I didn’t have to live with Cancer & the very real possibility of it taking me away from my family. I want to be the normal happy Lita I used to be, enjoying my life with my family. I just want to be a mum to my children, Marina, Donna, Bradley, Charlotte, and Abbey & Cameron. I want to be Nanny again to my grandchildren, Shannon, Kyle & Kieron & Lewis. Why can’t I be that person again? I want to smile not cry, I want to live not die but most of all I want to be the person I was not so long ago. NOT A CANCER VICTIM. I see who I was & now wonder who I will become. What will become of my family if this thing should take me away from them & how will certain members of my family carry on.
