r. savannah jenkins
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Kathryn Bowlyn, known to her friends and family as K., had the perfect life. she lived in a beautiful house on the water in key west with her handsome husband, Commander Bill Bowlyn. she had a successful career, made lots of money, had all the toys. so why was she so miserable? why did she feel the need to drink herself into oblivion every night? she had a hard time accepting it, but her life had to change. it started with a crush on a former colleague in new york – which turned into a stolen late night kiss – which turned into a racy e-affair. innocent enough – right? but as the mind goes, so goes the body - eventually. after much soul searching, she decides she has to leave. she loves bill, but she’s not in love with him – never has been. and she’s not a cheater. join her as she sets out to build a new life for herself. she stumbles and falls, has a torrid affair with Preston Rock, a married man with two – no three small children. she becomes obsessed with him. everyone and her mother tells her she’s crazy, she should be medicated, she’s making a terrible mistake, she’s delusional, she needs therapy, she’s drinking too much. she knows they are right – that her life is not working. but instead of retreating into a bottle of prozac or deprakote she chooses to believe in herself and in the end, finally reaches the light at the end of the tunnel.
This book is written as a series of email conversations between k. and the important people in her life. all k.’s emails are in standard type face. all emails from other people are in italics.
so i'm taking your advice. i'm getting out. leaving the tower under my own propulsion. my life is a lie and i just can't do it anymore. i love bill, but i'm not in love with him. that's not ok. i think i stayed with him for the girls. i was not going to let those two little beauties go through what i went through - no way. and they turned out awesome! i am so proud of them both. i think now that the second one is through college, i'm finally feeling like it's ok to go - move on. this doesn't have anything to do with you, but i thank you for the catalyst you provided. i have a very small plan. i'm telling bill when he gets in from texas tonight. then i'm going to live out my life here until next friday, go to miami, fly home to see my family and tell them what's going on. cry a lot. then i'll come back to miami pick up my car and drive out to san francisco - my favorite US city. my girlfriend, patty, has a friend that just got married. he was living on his boat, but now he's moving in with his new wife. that's all i've ever really wanted to do. life on a boat and write. i'm going to tell the whole crazy story of my life - put it out there so everyone can see what a bulimic, nympho, shoplifter (never told you about that – i used to shoplift all the time, to feed my bulimia) i am. i don't care anymore if the whole world hates me. if i can help one little girl feel better about herself, it'll be worth it. if one little girl gets the message that she is ok all by herself. she doesn't need a boyfriend or a husband to make her whole. that's a sack of shit and it is not her responsibility to pick it up. in fact, it doesn't even really exist - it's just a lie that parents have been telling there children since the beginning of time.
i don't even really know if i love you anyway. i'm so far from my center i don't know what i want - out in the milky way somewhere. i'll probably end up a crack-addict whore giving blow-jobs on the sidewalk for $5 while everybody's watching, letting guys put their cigarettes out in my skin - right in the middle of my forehead - branded - LOSER.
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don't worry, i'm almost finished. here's your picture, sleazebag. do whatever you want with it. post it on the internet - put it on a billboard in times square. i am beautiful. i particularly love that portrait of me. the artist really captured me - my anger, my pain, my fear. he wouldn't let me smile.
as for you, let's talk about another crime – actually a sin - adultery - it's a biggie. why the hell would i want to be with a man who would cheat on his wife - yuck. you are lying to her and you are lying to yourself. i don't know what compensations your marriage gives you, but i will tell you that you are paying for them with your soul. i won't participate in that. i am SOOOO glad i didn't cheat on bill with you. he's a great guy, warm, generous, sweet, supportive and he has taken really good care of me.
he deserves better, and so does your wife.
you are also incredible critical. why would i want to be with someone who calls me an ok kisser - fuck you for that! that was really mean spirited. i suspect it's because you are much, much more critical with yourself. beat yourself up all the time, don't you? i didn't do this, i didn't do that, i'm not this, i'm not that. you actually sound a little depressed and definitely unfulfilled. why don't you cut yourself some slack - you and everybody around you? you'd be a lot more fun to be around.
then there's your world view - it is totally fucked up. do you watch exclusively fox news or something? i am a really smart, educated woman and i am definitely paying attention. you do not have the first CLUE what is going on in this world and the HORRORS this administration is inflicting on this country and this world. it is terrifying. global warming is real, sweet pea. my daughter just came back from antarctica and told me she saw ice in caves that hasn't been exposed in the last five million years. serious climate change is happening, and it is going to start getting really ugly. unfortunately, you'll see....
other that, i hope you have a really nice life and you get what you need. it's been very nice talking with you. i feel better than i ever have in my whole life.
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i'm writing to all of you to tell you that bill and i are splitting up.
it's a shocker, i know, and group email is probably not the appropriate way to share this. but i thought it would be the most painless for both of us. please, please, please do not go through your houses and tear all of the 1000's of pictures of us into little pieces. this marriage was not a failure – it was a smashing success - a 10.0. i think we both did incredible things for each other, and had a ball along the way. we also helped to raise two stunning women - Susan and Deborah (Sue and Deb, i am so sorry to tell you this way, but i have no idea how to get a hold of you.) i am so proud them it makes my heart hurt.
i shared my feelings with my very dear friend Patty this past saturday morning. she is one of the most brilliant, loving, beautiful people i have ever met, and i am so lucky she is my friend. we talked for two days. as we tried to figure out what was going on, we slowly discovered that we have both been carrying around big, heavy, painful pieces of the same puzzle. and with every story and realization we realized that we both have been feeling an unbelievable amount of pressure from society, et al, to have a man in our lives. we're looking at it from the opposite sides of the coin - i have one and she doesn't, but it's the same deal. i love bill very, very much, but i am not in love with him - it's just that simple. there is nothing wrong with that. it's not his fault, it's not my fault - it just is. my wish for him is that he finds a woman that totally rocks his world. a woman that shares his dreams of new hampshire and mexico, and helps him to make them a reality. they are not my dreams. i have no idea what my dreams are, but i know i need to find out for myself. i also hope that we stay very close friends - but that is up to him . . .
i just know for me, in my soul, that i really need to get off this merry-go-round. my brass ring is not on it. and no amount of vodka can deaden the incredible anxiety that is causing me. i am not being true to myself, and that has got to stop.
i'm going to come up north at the end of this week to see all of the people who are important to me - cry a lot. then i'm going to drive out to san francisco and sit on a boat and write for a while. it's the only thing i've ever really wanted to do, and i'm going to go do it. everything else is up in the air.
please give your love and support to bill through this difficult time. he is a great man and he deserves the best.
thanks and love, k.
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hey, y’all! (i love saying y’all – makes me feel like a southern girl – maybe i am?) this is the beginning of a very long story. if you are here you may have been invited by me to tag along vicariously on my journey – counterclockwise around the country. hence the name of this travelblog – counterclock. it has other meanings, of course. my next big appointment is the pagan bonfire during the week of fantasy fest in late october, key west. until then, everything is pretty loosey goosey.
i have heard that the infamous key west rumor mill is in full gear over this story. that i moved everything out of the house. (i only took what i needed for my trip, actually.) i’ve lost my mind. please! get in line. i happen to be at the head of it. or maybe i’ve finally found my mind. MY mind, not what i think everyone else thinks my mind should be. as for the rumors – have at it! be creative! embellish! trust me, it cannot be any stranger than the truth. i also could completely give a shit what you think of me, so feel free to think whatever you like. if i care about you, and you care about me – you’ve already got the real deal.
please feel free to share this travelblog with whomever. i hope the whole world reads it. would that the whole world could read, huh? in particular, would that every women in the world could read. would that i could get the message into every little girl’s head – YOU ARE FREE. you do not have to stay in prison anymore. even if you can’t get out physically, you can free yourself emotionally and spiritually. no one can ever cage your spirit without you letting them. it was given to you by god to do with what you will. i think most women don’t even know where the door is. they have been so brainwashed by their captors – the lazy, cruel, controlling husbands, boyfriends, girlfriends, society – that they don’t even realize they have a choice. it’s the patty hearst syndrome. you fall in love with your captors, and eventually become one of them. not that bill was ever my captor. no, i managed to put myself in that box all by myself. hell, i FOUGHT to be in that box – i wanted it bad. and that’s how i got it. i will tell you this right now, since i have made these recent changes i have never been happier in my life. un point, c’est tout.
this whole load of crap that most women get as they are growing up and beyond just makes me sick. you must have a man. why doesn’t she have a man in her life? how many times have we said or thought that about a single women? what’s wrong with her? she’s heavy, she’s a workaholic, she’s plain, she’s shy, she’s a bitch. how about she’s perfectly happy on her own? how about she doesn’t want her life to be all about picking up her husband’s dirty socks and coffee cups since he can never be bothered. doing his laundry, shopping, cleaning, cooking, dishwashing, bill paying, lawn mowing, dry cleaning pick-up. my message to every woman is that that list of chores is not your birthright. this whole myth is a sack of shit, and it is not your responsibility to pick it up. go do what you want to do and let him wash the dishes for once.
grocery shopping has become much easier. cleaning supplies – skip that. pet food – nope. paper products – plenty at every rest station. condiments – come in little packages where you find the napkins. my new typical shopping list: turkey, bing cherries, carrots, seltzer and chardonnay – good to go.
i will be posting pictures from along the way. hope you enjoy them. please feel free to print them, make them into postcards, write thoughtful musings on them. they are my gift to you. i hope they enrich your life the way visiting these places and meeting these people is enriching mine.
i am also going to attempt to post a soundtrack. i’m listening to every cd in my case (i know, so un-ipod!) in order. i will be posting my favorites. hopefully, i won’t be arrested for piracy or anything. although it might be kinda fun to be a pirate. lord knows, key west is already full of them! at least i’ll finally get to be the pirate and not the serving wench.
i did want to clear one thing up for the record. my friend patty lobb’s (long o, like robe) role in coming to this life-changing decision was purely sounding board and confidant. she DID NOT “talk me into leaving bill.” that is absolutely ridiculous. if fact, her refrain was, ‘what about bill?’ ‘how do you think he’s feeling?’ ‘if you are this unhappy, there is no way he can be happy – not possible.’ she was dead right, of course. bill has been miserable for years. maybe now we can both be happy.
oh, and patty and i are definitely not gay. not that that would be a bad thing. anyone who turns down true love because they can’t except the flavor body it comes in is just, well – stupid. and very, very sad. why is it ok for the church or the government to decide who we can fall in love with? who it’s ok for us to live our lives with? shouldn’t that be completely up to us? the ultimate self-determined decision? i’m not saying we should be abusing children or anything. i just don’t understand why consenting adults can’t do exactly as they damn well please if they aren’t bothering anybody else.
you will also be seeing a lot of bianca, my beautiful baby girl white convertible. she and i are one. what a lovely little coche. i love everything about her. she’s getting new shoes tomorrow. a girl needs a new set of shoes for a long journey like this. we hit some really heavy rain coming up from key west to lake worth, and i could feel her losing her grip – not good. maintaining a firm grip is definitely a priority here.
if anything should happen to us along the way – like getting flattened by un grand camion (knock wood) – please just dig a big hole and throw us in together – no jaws of life shit, no autopsy. she absolutely, positively should not end up in any horrible scrap metal pile next to unloved corollas and beaten down buicks. or throw us off some cliff into deep water – warm please. i don’t want to spend eternity freezing my ass off. i love the idea of having my dead, now useless flesh being eaten by lots of little crabs – party’s at the car wreck! once they’re done, the skeleton pinned in behind the wheel with the remnants of clothing and personal effects will make an excellent macabre scuba dive. whatever happens, no coffin for me – EVER – i never want to be put into a box again. carve me up, take whatever you can use and burn the rest. scatter my asses at destroyer key. i leave everything to bill. he’ll make sure it all gets to the right people. see that, life has become so simple – last will and testament – check!
another recurring theme will be the ART SLUT moniker. for more information or to order your own ART SLUT brand merchandise, please see the website – www.artslut.com. (there’s nothing in this for me, btw, i’m just having a ball with it.) what is that all about, you ask? does it make you uncomfortable? why? i’m calling myself a slut, not you. are you afraid you are a slut? try it, it’s a ball! being an art slut is not about sleeping around – au contraire, it’s about respecting yourself enough to not feel the need to. art slut is about demystifying the arts. it’s about not being afraid to try new things because you’re afraid you will be bad at it....because you think that everyone else will think you are putting yourself out there as an “artist” when you are really not one at all. don’t believe the hype! we are all artists. we are all creative beings. my advice to you is to stop judging and to start playing. you’ll be a lot more fun to be around. and you just won’t believe what will unfold in your life.
you can take a simple ART SLUT test to see if you are, indeed, an ART SLUT. here goes. do you like to boogie? do you want to trip the light fandango (i know this is a mixed metaphor, i’m not stupid?) has looking at a van gogh ever made you want to cry? if you answered yes to two or more of these questions, there is a distinct possibility that you are indeed an ART SLUT – yeah! welcome to the party!
it’s raining buckets – another recurring theme. no idea what that one’s about…
