Jaime Nichole Brewer
A collection of journal entries covering 2000-2003.
Topics include: abusive relationships; both mental and physical, abortion, alcoholism, death, blackmail, homosexuality, corporate scandals, corruption, deception and Hollywood.
***THIS IS THE UNEDITED VERSION***
There are no additives or preservatives, you will be reading exactly what was felt at the time it was written.
NOTE FROM AUTHOR
Some things I am proud of and others I am not. Just like life, there is no editing; you can only try to learn from your mistakes.
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12-14-00
Thursday
I keep looking over my shoulder, I feel so paranoid and just strange. I keep expecting the cops to show up at my door to arrest me. They catch everyone, right?
I can’t eat.
I can’t sleep.
I can’t function properly.
My train of thought is all messed up. I am scared to write about it, there are only a handful of people who know about it, and I really don’t want anyone else finding out...ever. Do I dare run for any political office in the future? Somebody will dig deep enough and somebody’s bound to figure it out. What in the world have I gotten myself into? It feels like I am in a dream land. I walk around looking at everyone with the smiles on their faces and they have no clue who they are walking next to, who they are passing by. If they did, they probably wouldn’t be so close. It’s as if a veil has been lifted and I can now see things I wasn’t able to before. It’s as if half the bullshit I used to believe in has all been proven false. It’s a running theme in my life.
When I was a little girl, I used to believe in everything. Santa Claus, The Loch Ness Monster, God, The Easter Bunny, The Tooth fairy, Critters, Gremlins, Happy endings, Jesus, Bigfoot, Dragons, Unicorns, The Bible, etc. As I got older, one by one, things were proven to be false messiahs of what I truly believed with all my heart and soul. I laugh because the few that do still linger about are all religious icons.....and what’s the point of them? All the fun things to believe in are no longer. Santa.....gone - although his terroristic reign on credit card debit will live on through eternity. Easter Bunny....gone - never understood that connection to Jesus being murdered. Toothfairy......gone - the exchange rate of money for teeth always bothered me, what was she doing with all those teeth? Making dentures right? ;) Now we are left as adults told to still believe in the not-so-fun ones.....what’s the point in that? Hey kids, Santa and the Easter Bunny may have been fakes and frauds used to warp your little minds and control your thinking, BUT all the religious stuff is completely true and we would never make up stories to try and make you believe things. We would never use fear as a scare tactic. We want you to be independent thinkers and do what you think is right.
~James
