John Oarc
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In this unique and true personal account of life after childhood traumas such as molestation, divorce, and mental abuse, the reader will be able to look inside the mind and life of the survivor. The reader will gain insight into the struggles one faces from childhood to adulthood after the trauma. This book courses through self-destruction, self-injurious behavior, self-help, and professional counseling. Experience life through the eyes of the survivor as only he can describe with true accuracy. Professionals have published regarding male molestation, but only a few survivors have written books concerning their life experiences, and these books stand alone. No one can accurately bring the content to life like the survivor, and this book undeniably stands alone in writing style and substance. Professional counselors, psychiatrists, psychologists, and psych students can gain an enormous amount of clinical insight into male molestation from this book. Pastors, parents, significant others, family members, and survivors will be able to develop a vast amount of helpful information to assist in coping and healing. Child predators should also be able to understand the devastation that lay ahead of the victim; to see the true destruction that lay in wait for the child could be a deterrent and possibly save lives. This book discusses pornography, adultery, poor coping mechanisms, addictions, anxiety, depression, codependency, divorce, low self-esteem, and more in vivid detail, with the confidence that many may find hope and healing.
I know there are people out there going through much worse and would gladly give up cancer or a wheelchair to walk through my problems, so please don’t think this is a pity party on my behalf. I am only trying to give an account of what happened to me after I suffered childhood trauma, and help others in the process. I have lived in fear since my parents’ divorce; it shattered my confidence and broke my spirit, but two years after that the fear doubled when my friend’s father molested me. I knew boys were not supposed to cry but I did. I cried but it was silent; it went inside and immediately began looking for ways to get out. It tried to die away by pretending it did not exist, and when that did not work it began covering itself up. It tried to hide itself from the world, and after a while it built a wall so no one could see or touch it. This terrible event that was not resolved came to the surface to breathe, and every time it did I felt it but did not know what it was, nor did I know where it was coming from. I modified my disposition each and every time with behaviors, and these behaviors developed into coping mechanisms. Once the years had passed these behaviors became hardwired and life went on. I would not release it and my life became rattled with addictions and poor coping skills. I had installed a wall and unknowingly worked hard to maintain it for years after the molestation, until my marriage fell apart. Addictions, poor coping mechanisms, and posttraumatic stress syndrome are the terms used by medical professionals for some of my problems, but I can say those words did not help me much. Understanding that an event caused me to hide my shame from others and myself, and that it would ultimately lead to addictions for mood-altering purposes, is more my speed. The term addiction means you can’t stop doing the act or consuming the chemical, but in truth the person is running from the silent cry that so desperately needs to be released. Most people have no idea it is there, and the wall hides the real problem from them. Walls hide you from the outside world and they can also hide you from yourself. The fact that they can’t stop the addiction can become chemical in nature but people overcome this; the reason they are able to succeed is a result of finding out what thing or event, other than the chemical, is driving them. Do you remember the last time you cried? Do you remember how you felt when you finished? You probably felt relieved much like an addict feels when they get their fix. If your wall keeps you crying on the inside or behind it, how do you think you will find true relief? This is where the addictions come into play, but it does not fully relieve the pain, like an appetizer does not solve hunger. With addictions you have to continue using the chemicals because they only mask the pain, they do not solve the problem. As soon as you get that awkward, anxious feeling, you grab a cigarette, beer, food, or sex; spend money; gamble—and the problem is relieved for the moment but it is still there, waiting for you to release it. If you never try to understand why you feel depressed or anxious and deal with it, you will never quit. The addictions will get you through but they will never get you over it completely. The addictions make you feel good, so why would you want to question your problems unless you finally get enough of them or you begin to feel their side effects on your health? Some addictions work very well and most appear to be harmless, but they last for only a season. In a traumatized child’s mind, you do not know what problems the unknown feeling of fear is causing, nor do you know how your wall will affect your entire life. You have resilience to problems and it is a child’s love for life, a passion to continue, that allows you to believe that things will be okay no matter what happens. As long as you get to play tomorrow everything is okay. A child does not think about self-esteem, nor do they worry about their performance slipping at the playground or at school. Children are learning and when they are abused they assume that it must be just another learning experience. They do not understand the importance of crying or that it is essential for healing. They do not question their sanity; they just live to play even if they bring a giant wall with them. If the children that have suffered trauma, such as molestation and divorce or anything that takes from their stability, only knew what was going to happen to their adult life and the pain that would surface as a result, they would cry immediately. Imagine yourself right now as if your adult life were a movie, and then imagine yourself as a child watching it unfold. Do you think the child would cry? That child is waiting and wanting to cry because they have seen the movie; you just have to take the wall down and let the child cry. My counselor asked me to go back to the day before I was molested and get acquainted with that child. “Remember how that child used to be before the event took place.” He then said something profound: “You are still that same person today, but you have been sidetracked and need to get back on the right path.”
When I did this I remember thinking, “Damn, I was a pretty cool little kid before that night. I was a great person,” and I began trying to get back to believing that I was still that child and that good person. So imagine yourself right before the tragedy struck in your life and let that child see your life as you live it today; then ask yourself if that child wants to continue the life you are living without change. Ask them if they think they deserve better.
