The Accidental Conservative

On our return trip, and at a slower pace, the flock delved into a familiar topic. “We’re going to leave one communist nation and return to another,” warned Beck. “Without a doubt, we will return to a different country than the one we left,” agreed Bill Crystal. “It’s only a matter of time before Obama turns the control of all corporations over to the government.” The meek, little zealot had been rather quiet since our capture, but had opened up that morning. Since then, he had again started to share his bizarre take on the world with the rest of us. Hannity was also still down from the loss of Mr. Speaker, but had snapped out of his stupor. The sound of Obama’s name only helped to pull him farther out of his melancholy. “I will never understand – honestly, I will never understand,” he said in his whiny voice, “how people can support Caligula Obama after he shook hands with Chavez.” Norquist listened politely then followed up with a lengthy diatribe on taxes and how they were destroying America. This was in turn followed by a well-practiced rant from Perkins about the evils and consequences of homosexuality. “We will live under the threat of terrorism until we have rid the country of gays and lesbians,” he preached to the flock. Tony was a smart man and I gave him credit for his argument. What better way to marginalize gays and lesbians than tie them to terrorism? As designed, Republicans got twice as much bang for their buck with the hollow argument. But with a little more work, Perkins could have earned an unassisted triple-play. “We will continue to live under the threat of terrorism until we rid the country of gays and big government,” he might have said. Or he might have gone for a grand slam. “Terrorism will continue to threaten our lives as long as terrorists and gays are allowed big-government sponsored health insurance.” The whole discussion of taxes and gays and government had also recharged Limbaugh’s batteries. He harrumphed a particularly good harrumph then went into his own tirade about everything from the drive-by media to the cancer of moderates in the party. “Upon our return,” he proclaimed, “we will stamp out the advance of liberalism and women’s lib. We will take our country back from the elitists and Volvo drivers who are destroying our country one lawsuit at a time.” “How do liberals live with themselves?” asked Hollywood rhetorically. “But what’s worse,” said Bill Crystal, suddenly full of quarters, “is how the Democrat Party abandoned the Bush Doctrine. President Bush’s vision was about to reshape the entire Middle-East. Peace and prosperity were about to flourish from Iraq to Somalia and everywhere in between. For the first time in two-thousand years, Jews and Arabs were going to live in harmony. Then, ultimately, Iran would have realized the futility of its aggression and given up.” “Is it any coincidence that North Korea continues their aggression?” asked Nine-Eleven. “Mogli had Kim Jong what’s-his-name right where he wanted him. Isn’t that right, Mr. President?” “That’s right,” twanged the former Commander and Chef from the middle of the line. “I had him in ma’ cross-hairs and was ‘bout to pull the trigger.” “You’re so brave, Mr. President,” said Hannity.