Sense and Nonsense

On Not Joining the Horsey Set

            I rode a horse for the first time when I was eleven. The horse started running fast and I fell off. Which is why the first time I rode a horse was also the last time. I have no regrets about never riding a horse again. I only regret riding one in the first place. If I’d never ridden one, I never would have fallen off it.

            The horse I rode was named El Diablo, which should have tipped me off to the fact that the ride was not going to be a positive experience. (For me, anyway. It may have been a very positive experience for El Diablo.) But since I was only eleven, I was not very good at picking up certain hints, such as the fact that a horse named El Diablo could only mean trouble.

            I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking the same thing adults are always saying to kids: When you fall off a horse, the best thing to do is to get right back on. This is bad advice. When you fall off a horse, the best thing to do is to roll away from the animal before it tramples you. The next thing to do is to jump up and run like crazy away from the horse. The third thing to do is to tell your mother that the next time she says, “The neighbors have invited you to go horseback riding! It’ll be fun!” you are going to run away from home.

            The fact that I refuse to go horseback riding does not mean that I have anything against horses. It means that I have something against horseback riding. Actually, I think horses are beautiful, majestic animals. (Except for El Diablo. He was ugly and mean.)

            I enjoy watching movies about horses. I loved “National Velvet” and “Black Beauty” and “The Black Stallion.” They taught me many valuable lessons, the most important of which is that the best way for me to experience all the joys horses have to offer is from the safety of my living-room couch with a bowl of popcorn on my lap.

            (Another thing I learned from watching “National Velvet,” which was filmed in glorious Technicolor, is that Elizabeth Taylor really does have violet eyes. How weird is that?)

            In additional to watching horse movies, another safe way to connect with horses is to read about them. Recently, I received with my newspaper a magazine supplement called “Horse Country.” I read it from cover to cover and learned a lot. One thing I learned is that Orange County is Horse Country. This surprised me, because I thought Orange County was Tax Country.

            I also learned about something called “dressage,” which the magazine describes as “the process of schooling a horse to respond obediently and effortlessly to its rider’s commands” Clearly, El Diablo flunked his dressage course. If he had passed, he would have known that the command for “Stop” is “Mom! Help!”

            But the most fascinating thing I learned from reading “Horse Country” is that people who own horses love them very, very much. One woman who boards horses locally is quoted as saying – and I am not making this up – “Most of the time people I know who own horses would rather leave their infant child with someone they don’t know than leave their horse with someone they’re not familiar with.”

            Hmm. I don’t quite know how to respond to that. Did I mention that Elizabeth Taylor has violet eyes?

            Speaking of reading about horse, one of the best horse books I have ever read is “Seabiscuit” by Laura Hillenbrand. The book is subtitled “An American Legend,” which is an excellent subtitle, but another good one would have been “There Men and a Horse.” “Seabiscuit” tells the gripping story of a Depression-era thoroughbred and its owner, trainer, and jockey. This book got me so excited about horses that I almost regretted not getting back on El Diablo when I was eleven. (Almost. Running away from El Diablo was the smartest thing I have ever done in my life.)

            “Seabiscuit” has been made into a movie and is currently playing in theaters. I am so eager to see it that I might have to break my rule about watching horses only from the safety of my living room. I’m thing about going to the theater instead.

            Either way, I’m having popcorn.